Buster: She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend.
Lucille: A waiter hands him a note and suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like.
Buster: I know that she's a brownish area with points.

Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.
Lindsay: The wetlands.
Michael: To do what with them?
Lindsay: Dry them.
Michael: Save them.
Lindsay: From drying.

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.
Michael: I can live with that.

Man at the store: May I help you?
Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."
Man: Something that says, "leather daddy"?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.
Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? [angrily] Michael!
Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me — me!
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother.
Wife of Gob: No!