Malcolm Burgess

“If hell had a modern name, it would be today’s workplace”: strong words, but unfortunately most wage slaves would agree with the sentiment wholeheartedly.

And even for those of us who enjoy our jobs, there are days when stoking the fires of Hades, pricked on by demons’ pitchforks, seem preferable to firing up the computer, pricked on by the boss’s nagging.

Burgess encourages us to take a step back, examine the nature of the beast we work for, and laugh: his book is set in an English corporate environment, but the themes are universal.

“500 Reasons Why…” is especially appropriate at this time of year with reasons to hate ‘Early Signs of Xmas’ – e.g. “Excuses for not attending the Office Christmas Party start flooding in”. And for those who can’t get out of attending, reasons to hate the party include “Once the glitter… has settled, the post-party analysis begins”.

Reasons for workplace dissatisfaction are not limited to the Festive Season though: a common reason to hate Attitudes to Smokers is that they “are criticized for having combined coffee and cigarette breaks to say nasty intense things about their managers, as opposed to just coffee breaks. As if there’s any real difference, except those having a fag are standing in the cold…”

Then we have our professional hypochondriacs: “Alternative medicine has been a real boon to them, adding to their available psychodramas. Their box of Bach Flower Remedies… gives an entirely new meaning to the concept of neurasthenia”.

While healthy hypochondriacs receive special sympathy, other workers have good reason to hate being Unwell. Basically, Reason One covers it all – “No-one believes you when you ring in to describe your illness. They’re used to regular shirkers who can do a sickie with so much better… method acting than you”.

Bosses are a recurrent theme in the hate stakes: they are the ones who do the dreaded appraisals and to whom we apply for a raise, the ones who blame us for their mistakes and take credit for our Successes.

There are many reasons to hate your immediate boss although reason Number Two resonates with particular clarity: “They need never do any work again thanks to empowerment [they feel sorry for you not being stretched enough], delegation [there’s no-one else they’d rather give their lousy jobs too] and facilitation [making it easy for all their work to go straight in your direction]”.

The book ends with a ‘Corporate Bullshit Directory” which should be required reader for everyone from the lavatory cleaner to the CEO, as it demystifies and translates the jargon of the workplace.

We all know at least one Core Worker – “someone they can’t sack because they saw what the MD was doing on the photocopier….” And some of us have even been afflicted by ‘Emotional Leakage’ – what used to be called crying.
Above all, “…I Hate the Office” reassures all we little cogs that not only are we not alone, but its not our fault.

“… its not you, its them – your workaholic company or organization and all its thousand and one indignities know to man and woman”. A hilarious read.… (mehr)