Sal Severe

Parents set themselves up for disappointment and distress. Kids rarely do anything wrong--it is the parents who set unrealistic expectations children are not ready to meet, or put the children in situations they are ill-equipped to handle.

How many times have you seen kids screaming in the checkout lane at your local box store because the parents didn't make it clear what they could or could not buy, how long they would be there and poorly handled hunger and tiredness issues.

This book will cut down on a significant amount of family stress and grief by helping parents understand what is reasonable and how to go about helping to productively adjust the children's behavior when it is less than ideal.

I don't agree with all of it, and there are some ways I would approach things differently--I never believed in Time Outs. But overall, there are some very good tangible tips in here.… (mehr)

How to Behave So Your Children Will Too by Sal Severe, Ph. D. Epiphany Oviedo ELCA Library section 8 J: Life Skills, General Parenting. This book’s message is: the way parents act in rearing their children elicits certain behaviors from their children. If parents do not like the way their children are behaving, parents need to modify their own behavior in order to see improvement in their children’s behavior.
We have all seen children who are little monsters, experts at manipulating their parents, and “pushing their buttons.” They learn this from the way their parents react to their behavior. By changing their behavior, parents can change their children’s behavior for the better. Severe says, “Parents need to understand that their children’s behavior is often a reflection of their own behavior. That’s what makes this book unique. It does not focus on what children do wrong. It teaches parents what they can do differently.”
Chapter 1 discusses how successful parents behave, and boy, is this an eye-opener. Consistency is the key to dealing with children. Unsuccessful parents give warnings with no follow through. They attend to the negative but not the positive. They do not plan. Parents are part of the problem because of their patterns of reaction. How you react determines how your children behave. This is pretty amazing and is a real A-ha moment. Later sections explain how children learn their behavior, how to focus on positive behaviors and attitudes, how to manage misbehavior, dealing with violence in our society and with our children, simple solutions to prevailing problems, and how to enjoy being a parent.
As I read this book, again and again I found consistency to be the key. As TV’s Dr. Phil says, “every child must know with 100% assurance what the consequences of misbehavior will be, and those consequences must happen every single time the child misbehaves.”
Make the rules. Post them on the fridge. Discuss them often in quiet moments with your children. Then, follow through with the consequences every single time. Children who connect behavior with consistent consequences will for a few days behave even worse as they test parental limits. Once those limits are administered consistently and patiently, their behavior will suddenly improve as they modify their behavior.
Grasping that all behaviors have consequences may not seem important with small things, and when kids are little, but small things teach them to predict the consequences of their actions. Imagine how important this can be in the teen and young adult years when they think about getting into a car driven by a tipsy friend, or feel tempted to behave in other risky ways. Then it is critical that they be able to discern the possible consequences and results of their behavior BEFORE they act.
I have seen it time and time again: children CRAVE clear rules, positive reinforcement for following the rules, and consequences for misbehavior, doled out with consistent love and patience. These give children security because they know that rules will help them prevent misbehavior before they fall to pieces or get in deep mischief. This helps children control their actions. A child who knows the rules, and is able to follow them, is a secure and confident child who not only avoids trouble, but enjoys life to the fullest.
If your child has behavior problems, your own behavior is probably part of the problem. Read this book – it has methods you can implement immediately to create a happier, calmer family life. As an educator, I can recommend this book very highly. By the way, the author works with children with behavioral problems.… (mehr)

I *Have* Learned How to Behave!

I purchased "How to Behave" when my eldest was 16 months old and have picked it up again now that she (5) and her brother (3) have reached new developmental stages and developed 'new', not so desirable habits'.

I have found, over the years, that the author is correct; that most of my children's 'behaviors' are the result of my behaviors; essentially what I have `taught' them is permissible behavior. Misbehavior is not something innate in children, it is learned. And it is true, when I see them doing something I dislike, I usually find that it is a variation of something that I have allowed or taught them to do. [Take yelling for example. When my eldest started being `loud', I discovered that I had fallen back into my old habit of yelling.]

In this book though, Dr. Severe outlines not just one, but a number of approaches that a parent can use to resolve misbehaviors. Not only by correcting your own -LOL. And unlike other books, he gives role playing examples with sample dialog and actions so that you know exactly what sort of things you ought to say and do. No trying to guess what the author intent is.

Overall, a very useful and insightful book. But it if you are the sort of person who can't imagine that you *personally* are doing something wrong that is aiding and abetting your child's misbehavior, then this book will probably not help your family.

Four stars - A very good and useful book, minus one star for not being the easiest read.

Pam T~
mom and reviewer at BooksForKids-reviews… (mehr)

Well, after reading two books by this author…I did get some insight into Girl’s more recent troubling behavior, but as with his other book, there are just some things I think will not work or that feel overly pushed. Some of the things he says parents should say to children sound far too contrived and smarmy to really be taken seriously or be effective as positive reinforcement for any kid over 4 years old. Overall though, I did get reminded of some things that I should be doing and have not been, so it was worth the read just for the “oh yea…” moments. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of any given problem with your child and forget some of the most obvious thing that can be done to help resolve and correct them. I also got the names of a few other books from reading the reviews on this one on Amazon just now that I hope will give me some fresh ideas and strategies for dealing with difficult behavior. I’d recommend this, but with a grain of salt, a lot of what he says just doesn’t work in application for older children or is just plain condescending to both parent and child…but just like no one book can teach you all you need to know about history or math…so too with parenting books. You have to read several to get enough workable ideas for YOUR family.… (mehr)