How do you keep going?

I lurk here a bit, but haven't posted before. I understand the sharing of the big issues, the campaigning for an ideal. That I can happily get involved in. Somehow the conversation in the abstract, that doesn't directly affect me, is easier for me to have.

What I'm struggling with is how to deal with day to day, in your face, sexism. In my case at work; which, if anything, has got worse in recent years. I'm in a technical role in a business that is, in technical roles, still >90% male. I used to be a curiosity, but now, with the female compliment increasing, it seems to be less kindly (sorry, realise that's a rubbish description, a bit lost for words).

How do you keep going? How do you respond to a sexist comment? How do you not loose heart?

Honestly? I read a lot of books -- especially books from other cultures and places. It helps put things in perspective. A couple years ago the Reading Globally group did a theme read on "Women who don't write in English":

http://www.librarything.com/topic/195623

I've been making my way through the list in a haphazard way -- flitting from country to country. I've found some incredible voices that way, that show up the average sexist pig for the weak and desperate creature that he is.

My latest discovery is Fahmida Riaz, a feminist Pakistani poet who writes in Urdu (which I don't speak) and a contemporary of many of my own feminist role models. So it is sort of amazing and also gratifying to read her and find many of the same questions and feelings as I do in, say, Adrienne Rich's work.

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>1 Helenliz:

Sorry to hear what you're dealing with. If this is affecting your ability to work and/or health, if it's specific people and incidents, I'd consider everything from taking them aside and asking them to stop, to reporting them to the boss/HR.

As to in-the-moment responses, I'm fortunate in that I've never been the target of direct, personal insults (unless one counts sexual harassment as such), but there have been of course a gajillion uncomfortable situations in which I've done everything including but not limited to: blithely ignoring, walking away, adopting blank face, adopting stony face, smiling icily, rolling eyes, shrugging, changing the subject politely, changing the subject as rudely as possible, interrupting them, bursting out laughing (at them, pointedly), sarcasm.

What I never do is dignify sexist inanities as topics worthy of discussion at work. If someone is sharing his "women drivers" joke, I'm not going to launch into statistics about women drivers. If someone is pontificating about gender roles, I'll go for a flippant reaction, if any.

At the beginning of my career I've been twice in jobs severely compromised by sexism--not so much direct insults, as complete isolation and wilful non-cooperation by the male colleagues (in the first one we were only two women and about a dozen men, in the second three women and more than thirty men). This can be a terrible and intractable problem and in retrospect I made a mistake both times in not leaving. The other woman in the first job actually ended up in hospital from work-related stress and illness.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

>2 southernbooklady: I can see that might help with perspective; I'm not sure how much it would help "in the moment". I'm on the receiving end of a comment, knowing that some women have it worse doesn't seem to be much immediate use. Although if some of that reading contains how others have approach and dealt with this, then there could be some learning to be had. I'll have a look at the list and see what catches my eye.

>4 LolaWalser: I've never really had to deal with this type of thing before either. Or if I have it has always been good natured. We have one engineer who always calls me "young lady". I ain't young and I'm certainly no lady! But as he calls my male colleague "young man" it is clearly his slightly esoteric manner of greeting. And that I've learnt to live with.

After the comment, I said if that was his opinion I was clearly adding no value and left the meeting. Stunned silence followed (apparently, by then I'd left). My boss knows as does HR (found myself at HR quite upset and had a good vent). Both agreed that it was inappropriate.. I did later (once I'd calmed down) have a conversation with the person who made the comment and received an apology from then. They said they had misjudged the lead up conversation and thought I was joking. Still unacceptable to make, even if joking, imo. And you misread that one really badly. So we will see where he goes next. He's not the easiest to work with anyway, being quite demanding and not sensitive in his style of communication. Me leaving was apparently a real shock, so maybe that will have brought him up short. I've not made a formal complaint, but that remains a possibility if it continues.

Having said all of that, I've been thinking of moving on for other reasons, this might just be one more push in that direction.

It's probably worth remembering that the comments may be coming because the man feels threatened by your competence.

A few decades ago, my sister took her company to court for clear sexism. She won the case, and then left. Only something you can do when you can afford to leave. I doubt today that a US company would try to promote an incompetant person to supervise a group of workers just because he was the only man in the group. Things are getting better, just not fast enough.

>5 Helenliz:

We have one engineer who always calls me "young lady". I ain't young and I'm certainly no lady!

There's a chance the engineer in question will recognize the Star Trek reference if you respond with "Sorry, neither", which was Uhura's response to being called "fair maiden" in one episode. (I can't believe they got that past the 1960s censors, but that's neither here nor there.)