Note to all dogs, cats, etc.

I hope the ferrets, rats, gerbils, mice, and parrots who read this will forgive my putting them in the Subject as Etc.

You may have seen this, but if not read on:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Maggie, I love it! I haven't seen that one before.

hahaha!! The proper order of kissing!! lol!!

I quite enjoyed that, and wish to thank you for posting it. Loved the bathroom exit explanation. I can't really ever close my bathroom door tightly because I have one of those "over the door" caddy's which holds all kind of crap *pun intended* but does not allow a tight door close, so due to this Toto can always nudge his way in. Oh one thing I'd like to warn everyone about...Never, and I repeat never ever ask your dog to come up on your lap while you are sitting on the throne. I made the mistake of one day urging Toto up on my lap whilst I sat in traffic as I dropped the Brown's off at the Super Bowl. I only did it once, as I was in need of a muzzle-nuzzle (our word for a doggie hug). I got my required lovin' he jumped down and I didn't think about it again until.... the next time when all of a sudden to my horror he leapt through the air and was firmly planted on my lap again.

I have no idea why he insists on doing this. It is always a surprise as he can stroll in and curl up on the rug next to me, or bring in a toy and demand some "throw" or "tug of war", and I'll say to myself "good little boy, he's not going to jump on me this time" he'll even appear to be exiting the bathroom and then low and behold he turns, and takes a flying leap right up on to my lap which takes me by surprise every single time. My sister once remarked "I imagine you have no problem doing a bm as that would scare the cr*p out of me"

He never does this when I'm sitting in an armchair, or a dining room chair, only those made of the porelain variety. He doesn't stay for long, he just laughs in my face and then jumps off before I can gather my thoughts together to scold him properly. By the time I complete my *umm clears throat in embarrassment* transaction Toto is long gone snickering all the way.

very funny start to th day! thanks

My late boy, Bert, used to play shower ball with me - dropping the ball in the tub, while I was showering - for me to throw out. We started this game when he was a puppy, when we were living in my mother's split-level house. Leaving the bathroom door open gave me the opportunity to try to get it out of the bathroom and down the stairs. It took twice as long to shower, but it was fun.

In my house that I bought when he was older, I actually have two doors to my bathroom. The house was originally a square, and there is a circular path from the kitchen to the bathroom to a dressing room to the master bedroom to the second bedroom and back to the kitchen. As he got older, Bert lost a good bit of his hearing, so he would do a patrol, circling through the rooms to see where I was, on a regular basis. So of course I left the bathroom doors open - I live alone, nobody's going to be barging in - and I still smile when I remember him taking his walk through while I was "occupied". "Yup, there she is. Okay, I can go back to sleep." "Yup, she's still there, guess I can go back to bed." To be fair, I had a habit of checking on him when he was quiet for too long, so turnabout's fair play.

Love it and the stories!

Ha ha! Adorable! I really wish sometimes my dog could understand me and I could read it to him...

My shepherd mix, Sophie, used to poke the shower curtain with her nose while I was showering. I would poke back, she would get bored, eventually, and leave. One day I turned around in the shower and she was sitting in the tub staring at me, as if to say, "This is it? This is what you do in here?", then she decided I was too boring to believe and jumped out. She has checked in one other time with me like this.

#9 -- Hah! There is no way my Sophie would pull a trick like that -- if she so much as hears me turn the water on in the shower, she runs for a safe place.

My Greta Garbo comes into the room where the shower is and sits herself down, back to me, facing out...as if to say...no one will bother you while you are all nekkid in that noisy place. Trust me.

Oddly enough she knows that noise also could mean....dog baths.

Finnegan used to peak in the shower every chance he could. Now mostly I give him showers instead of baths. He doesn't enjoy either, but he's better behaved in the shower. I figure that I'm going to get wet either way.

how funny. Ben wants to sit outside the shower and insist that he helps dry my feet & legs when I get out. But no way would any of them jump in.

When Pepper was little I gave her baths in the kitchen sink so she would always sit right outside the shower while I was in there...now that she is bigger and she gets her baths in the tub she usually runs away when I turn the water on, but lately she seems to understand the difference between the two because she has been laying outside the tub every day for the past few days.

Hey kirbyowns - good idea re the shower - I think I'll try that with Brontë. We went to the beach this morning (her first visit!) and I had to give her a bath when we got home. She did not appreciate it - and I didn't appreciate her leaping out of the laundry sink onto my shoulder, then scratching the *&!@* out of my throat and chest with her back feet!! I have some lovely scratch marks to display now.

Brontë isn't allowed in the bathroom when I shower because she's still too naughty with her chewing. She pulls the towels off the rails, tries to raid the laundry basket (and, for that matter, eat the laundry basket!), etc. so she gets shut out. She cries outside the door, sometimes just a little but other times quite hysterically - complete with throwing herself on the door, scratching the paint off, and occasionally weeing on the floor in the passage. I can't wait until she's over the chewing phase, then she'll be allowed in and I'll be able to shower in peace (I hope).

Have you read What the Dogs Have Taught Me by Merrill Markoe? She has a great section on how to shower with the dog.

>16 cynthiadogmom: That sounds positively intriguing!!!

That was very unlike my Sophie--she is cautious, but I guess that day curiosity won out.

Today while cleaning out the fridge, I found dog hair, which confirms my suspicion that they have guests while I am at work, and explains why there are more dishes in the sink than I remembered.

I love the note! And I want to put the second part on my door.

Our dogs aren't allowed down the hall where the bathroom is. We have gates and guard cats to keep them out. ;)