This is not a book to learn how to change a narcissist. The best advice for a person in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave. For someone unable or unwilling to leave, this book offers an understanding of narcissists. Understanding is not the same as justifying the behavior.

A common misconception is that narcissists love only themselves, but they suffer from a lack of an authentic self. They either did not develop a healthy sense of self-esteem at a critical age. They are often high achievers who possess a need to prove themselves to gain love and to compensate for the lack of it in their childhood.

People are attracted to narcissists because they can be very good at exploiting other people’s need to feel important and special. For the most part, grandiose narcissists make heavy use of psychological defenses denial and projection. Denial is when a person refuses to include important pieces of information their assessment of a given situation. Instead of facing an uncomfortable reality, a person shuts her eyes and persists in believing a more comfortable reality. Grandiose narcissists secretly are terrified that they simply aren’t good enough. They create a fantasy of perfection rather than acknowledge the fear.
As opposed to denial, projection involves unconsciously placing feeling of insecurity and worthlessness on others, simultaneously allowing a narcissist to get rid of unwanted feelings and imagine that they are better than the worthless ones.

Another type of narcissist is the vulnerable one. They still have grandiose traits, but they are hidden. Instead of feeling they are better than everyone else, vulnerable narcissists feel that they *should* be better than everyone else and are simply failing to live up to expectations. They are notorious perfectionists. Personal exceptionalism is the belief that you are special in a way that set you above other people, the trait that drives cliques in high school.
While I picked up this book in hopes of finding ways to deal with difficult people, I am finding an abundance of information, ideas and advice that lead to insight into areas that I would like to change. After describing narcissists and their behaviors, the book gives examples of how people interact with what each person is thinking in situations where conflicts arise. A discussion of general narcissism follows with emphasis on the characteristics that were involved in the example situation. Solutions to how the person affected by the narcissistic behavior might act to have her own needs/hurts/discomfort addressed without putting the narcissist on the defense.

I had a hard time putting this book down. I could go on and on describing the situations addressed in the book. I took notes, because I wanted to remember what was written. There would be a test. The test would be to get through situations with my narcissist without provoking the situation or capitulating.

The book describes narcissistic behavior and how hurtful it can be to the people in their lives and then describes what happened in the narcissist’s life that made him act and react the way he does.

It never condones the behavior.

When I apply the description to narcissists in my life, it softens my heart and the way I think of the narcissist as a friend or relative or employer, and by doing so, I can choose to act in a way that does not make the situation worse. I can’t change what has already happened, but I change what happens in the future by acting in a way that either fuels or defuses. A third option would be to leave. It might be the right answer is to get as far away as possible.

The book offers examples of how using the understanding gained, one can choose to not fuel the flames. There’s no pretense that you can expect to fix the narcissist. But you can take the wind out of his sails and perhaps he does change, but only because he no longer has an advantage point. The playing ground is more level.

I win because I no longer hold the animosity toward the person. My stress is lowered. I can’t be bullied because I don’t push back or fight. I also don't just roll over. Narcissists can evoke such strong emotions. This offers some survival tactics. ( )