Dear Reader, Knowledge, success, hope--this book will provide you with none of these things. For those who are curious to check out the contents and "guidance" provided in this book, I would like to offer a brief, but important warning before you embark on your treacherous journey. I am this book's editor. I have thoroughly handled, absorbed, and regurgitated the contents of this book over and over again, and while most of the content in this "self-help" book is, in my professional opinion, completely ridiculous and easily recognized as such, I fear that some of you who read this book may sadly find yourselves duped by Joel's terrible advice. Speaking modestly, Keys to Success from a Completely Unsuccessful Person represents is a collection of thoughts, ideas, and errant opinions from the delusional mind of a self-proclaimed self-help guru. Somehow, Joel has miraculously and single-handedly compiled more nonsense, utter gibberish, and complete lunacy into one book than any other author in all of human history that I am presently aware of. Again, while I do believe that the majority of readers will find themselves deeply amused at the sheer idiocy in this anthology of stupidity, I fear that some poor souls may just get sucked into the author's delusions. For that reason, I have provided this warning to please disregard Joel's terrible advice. For most readers, I expect and hope that they will be amused by the book's clear guidance on how not to find success and find humor in what the book attempts to instruct them to do. Perhaps most importantly, I believe that although my hand was forced to publish this book of unrefined nonsense by Joel and my superiors, Joel will finally be exposed to the world for who he really is--a completely unsuccessful person.