I wanted to like this book much more than I did.
It started well and as a Gen X woman initially I really felt seen, but over the course of the book, it started to wear on me. This might not happen for you, but things that irked me were - so much of the book/the anecdotes/the interviews feature motherhood or children. There are a few people she interviews who are single and childfree but it's weighted heavily towards mothers. If you're not one there are whole chunks that you can skip.
It's also incredibly American, the focus here is almost specifically on American Gen X women. While I partook in much of the pop culture that the book mentions it's probably not going to resonate as much if you were born outside of the US.
Mostly what I found troublesome about the book was that it's just a bummer. Where Jeff Gordiner's 'X Saves The World' took all the same bad stuff into account I left that read feeling positive and active. This book felt like a list of complaints and no real recommendations or solutions. I know that it isn't a self-help book but I finished this feeling less positive than I started it.
Probably not exactly what you need in 2020.
Finally, as an entirely personal issue I found the lack of exploration of any possible themes outside society and upbringing (and anything vaguely akin to spiritual) left this book feeling very surface level to me.
Not a bad book, but not for me!
( )

Interesting observations on shared experiences of a generation of women and how these experiences might be influencing an already difficult life stage. Ms Calhoun’s book is about American women and she seems to have talked to a number of them. She describes Gen-X women as one of the most educated and ambitious generation, who expect to have it all but don’t seem to be able to get it as they face many obstacles and receive only little support when compared to women of other generations. The fact that some of these challenges coincide with the disappearance of the middle class in America and the stark differences between the parenting styles and expectations of the Baby Boomers and the Gen-X women are interesting points to consider. Overall, it is an interesting read and brings up many points worth to think about. But there are some important gaps.

First, even though she focuses on the American women, Ms Calhoun leaves out important members of this community: minorities, women of color, and immigrants. Women in these groups share many of the experiences described in the book. But they also face additional hardships, biases, and discriminations at school, at work, at home, and in their social lives.

Second, Ms Calhoun throws in a large number of issues as causes of conflict or stress. While all of these may be important, many are not specific to women or to this generation. It feels as if she has thought about all of these factors, cannot decide herself and wants the reader to see if they are relevant.

And finally, at some point Ms Calhoun starts giving medical advice, specifically on the perimenopausal use of estrogen. She makes it sound as, after talking to a few experts, she has reached the final correct conclusion, that estrogen is safe and it was a mistake to worry about side effects, and her duty is to enlighten all middle age women. Hormonal replacement is a huge topic in medicine and there are some good reasons why the medical community has had longstanding debates. Readers should not view this book as a complete or correct argument on a very important medical topic.

Overall, this book presents an interesting summary about the common challenges faced by Gen-X women and offers a lot to think about, but lacks focus and depth. ( )

This book both horrified me and eased some of my anxiety. The fact that so many women are suffering in silence, overwhelmed and frustrated, is absolutely heartbreaking. And yet, that is precisely the situation in which I (a 40-year old woman with a successful business, a wonderful husband, and a 7-year old) find myself. As does every one of my female friends who's of a similar age. I thought it was just us, but after reading Calhoun's book, I have a much better understanding of what's happening and why so many of us find ourselves in this position.

As one of my friends recently said, "I feel like I'm just aimlessly filling my time while I wait for the next person to need something from me." That about sums it up. Calhoun does a great job exploring how we ended up with so many caregiving responsibilities and how our jobs, our relationships, and our high expectations all add to the constant stress of our lives.

I turned the last page with a pit in my stomach. While Calhoun promised a hopeful look at what we can do to shift the tide, I didn't find that here. Instead, I came away with a clearer understanding of why things are the way they are, but no practical solutions. Still, I'm glad I picked this up. At least I know I'm not alone. ( )

Best for:
Women at the start of their midlife.

In a nutshell:
Author Calhoun explores the unique challenges that Gen X women are facing as they enter and continue through midlife.

Worth quoting:
“But Gen Xers entered life with ‘having it all’ not as a bright new option but as a mandatory social condition.”

“The last think we need at this stage of life is self-help…What we need at this stage isn’t more advice, but solace.”

Why I chose it:
Well, by most accounts I am Gen X. I’m in my 40s. And things are getting fucking hard.

How it left me feeling:
Seen

Review:
Without getting into too much detail, my visit to see my parents over New Year was stressful in a new way. They are in their 70s, and with that comes some of the expected challenges. I live about 6,000 miles from them, and my sibling lives about 3,000 miles from them, so that’s something else added into the mix. During a quick outing one day, my partner and I popped into a bookstore and this book damn near jumped off the shelves into my hand.

Calhoun looks at so many different aspects of what life is like for middle-aged Gen Xers, and I appreciate that she’s clear that it isn’t all bad. There is a lot that we have going well for us, but there are a lot of issues that she argues are unique to our generation - that won’t impact Millenials the same way, for example. A lot of the focus is on how the expectations have not matched reality, and she argues that Millenials don’t have the same types of expectations, which on the one hand, bummer, but on the other hand, allows them to age with a more realistic outlook on what is reasonable to expect out of life.

The book could feel defeatist in the hands of a less talented author, but the way Calhoun shares the stories of those she has interviewed, and mixes it with her research into what middle-aged women are experiencing, makes it feel more hopeful (in a realistic way). She shares some of her own stories too, but the focus is on other women and how they’re navigating the discrepancy between what they thought their life would be (and what society has told them it SHOULD be), and what it actually is. She doesn’t provide a bunch of tips or solutions, save the big one, which is to adjust one’s expectations. That sounds like a total bummer reading it in just this tiny review, but in the context of the book? It felt pretty great to read.

The only area that rubbed me the wrong way was the choice she made to heavily quote from a male ‘expert’ when talking about divorce. That guy had some … interesting takes. I’m still baffled as to why it was included.

Calhoun interviewed over 200 women across demographics to inform this book, though she shares that it is primarily focused on middle-class women because, “Very poor women in this country bear additional burdens that are beyond the scope of a book this size. Very rich women have plenty of reality TV shows about them already.” So the reader knows that, like, obviously the women this book is aimed at will have different challenges than people who have very little money. I appreciate that the book doesn’t try to be all things to all women, and I also appreciate that within the economic boundaries she set, the author spoke to women of different races, sexualities, and career fields, along with women who are partnered, single, have children, and don’t.

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep and recommend to friends by age. ( )

At the wnd of a harried year, I was spurred by an online article on middle age to go looking for a particular book about men in mid life, and instead found this at the local public library. I'm glad I did.

Great I sight into both the general stresses on folks of my generation as we are in mid life, and more particularly a great window into the life of my wife and other women in my life.

Well worth the read.

(2022 Book 10) ( )