No matter how much people know that things could happen unexpectedly to someone close that will change their lives forever, they don’t believe it will ever happen to them. Until it does. How debilitating that change is to the injured person and how both people, as well as others involved, depends a great deal on how they are able to respond. In the case of Alix Kates Shulman and her husband, Scott York their love, determination, and dedication were their guideposts.
Both Alix and Scott and went to the same high school although he was three years ahead of her. They were in the same biology class one semester and, though she thought of him often, they didn’t meet again until years later when they attended the same college. After dating for awhile, they went their separate ways. Thirty four years later, they met again. This time they married and had a wonderful marriage.
In TO LOVE WHAT IS, seventy-five-year-old Scott fell nine feet from their sleeping loft and sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI). After the accident, like many people, much of what Shulman heard from the doctors was colored by what she wanted to hear, to give her hope. The doctor’s warning that anything could happen with his recovery and it might take a long time, didn’t penetrate. She was sure he would have a complete recovery and be the same person he was before the fall. That didn’t happen. Her interpretation of what she was seeing and hearing from him often differed from what his therapists saw and heard. They were looking for different things.
Even after accepting his impairment as permanent, she still hoped life would return to normal and forget that their lives were are the new normal.” They had to work with what they had and learn how to cope with their new reality.“The worse things go for him, the greater my resolve to make them better.” .
He became more childlike, wanting constant attention and becoming frustrated and angry when he couldn’t do or get what he wanted. Unlike a child, however, his situation would not improve over time. In fact, it would diminish. Like many people with brain injuries or illnesses, he was unaware of the changes and lived contentedly in the present moment most of the time particularly when he had constant companionship. “He rejects unhappiness and counterproductive. To both of us, action and accommodation are always preferable to passivity or despair, which can only prolong the pain. If all else fails, we’ll use our tragedy for making art.”
Interspersed with the story of how life changed for both Alix and Scott is the story of their lives over the year. It is the memories of these happier times that enable Alix to put their current situation in perspective and find help and comfort in the past.
TO LOVE WHAT IS is a love story as well as a guide to facing and dealing with a traumatic, life-changing event. Well-written and honest, Shulman tells how reality can be flexible depending on perception and how a positive attitude and wonderful memories can make the journey a bit easier. ( )

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