Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?

Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.

Violet Baudelaire: 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'

Violet Baudelaire: Dinner is served. Puttanesca.

Count Olaf: What did you call me?

Klaus Baudelaire: It's pasta... Pasta Puttanesca.

Count Olaf: Where's the roast beef?

Klaus Baudelaire: Roast beef?

Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!

Count Olaf: Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.

Count Olaf: You are so deceased!