Sue Johnson (1) (1947–2024)

This book is full of case studies. I don’t want case studies. Still, in Chapter 5: Forgiving Injuries, I found a case study to be relevant.

Offenses can fester for decades despite the husband’s attempts to care for his wife. No matter how good the husband is, she will still be distant since the underlying hurt has not been addressed. (Chapter 5: Forgiving Injuries)

A.R.E is often mentioned. Here is the definition from the Internet. (It is eventually defined in the glossary at the end of the book.)

A.R.E. conversation :
A accessible
R responsive
E emotionally engaged

Contents
The Seven Conversations
1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues
2. Finding the Raw Spots
3. Revisiting a Rocky Moment
4. Hold Me Tight - Engaging and Connecting
5. Forgiving Injuries
6. Bonding Through Sex and Touch
7. Keeping Your Love Alive
Part Three
- Healing Traumatic Wounds - the Power of Love
- Ultimate Connection - Love as the Final Frontier


"If I had to summarize the lessons I’ve learned from all these couples, they would look like this: "
* Our need for others to come close when we call — to offer us safe haven — is absolute.
* Emotional starvation is a reality. Feeling emotionally deserted, rejected, or abandoned sparks physical and emotional pain and panic.
* There are very few ways to cope with our pain when our primary needs for connection are not met.
* Emotional balance, calm, and vibrant joy are the rewards of love. Sentimental infatuation is the booby prize.
* There is no perfect performance in love or sex. Obsession with performance is a dead end. It is emotional presence that matters.
* In relationships there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together. We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.
* Emotion tells us exactly what we need, if we can listen to it and use it as a guide.
* We all hit the panic button at times. We lose our balance and slip into anxious controlling or numbing and avoiding modes. The secret is to not stay in these positions. It’s too hard for your lover to meet you there.
* Key moments of bonding, when one person reaches for another and the other responds, take courage but they are magical and transforming.
* Forgiving injuries is essential and only happens when partners can make sense of their own hurt and know that their lover connects and feels that hurt with them.
* Lasting passion is entirely possible in love. The erratic heat of infatuation is just the prelude; an attuned loving bond is the symphony.
* Neglect will kill love. Love needs attention. Knowing your attachment needs and responding to those of your lover can make a bond last until “death us do part.”
* All the clichés about love — when people feel loved they are freer, more alive, and more powerful — are truer than we ever imagined. (91%)… (mehr)

A friend highly recommended this years ago and it finally got its third recommendation so I picked it up when I walked by it on the library shelf.

Short Story--- I prefer John Gottman.

But Gottman himself is quoted as singing the praises of this book and Johnson's work. So there's that.

Long story: Johnson make an astute point at the beginning of the book. For the first time in years, for many the couple is the community, the best friend, the club, the neighbor. I believe it was Eli Finkel in the All-Or-Nothing Marriage who explored it most thoroughly. Gottman himself makes many references to friends, outside interests, community. Relationships that have those things bolstering them may function well with his books. Others, the fit the first description, may do well with Johnson's work.

But, the thing is, I don't know. Because, apart from the claim at the beginning that it is 75% more effective, there are no stats, particulars from studies, or numbers. What are we defining as success? Gottman's work is much more specific on this point.

I found the middle a semi-repetition of Gottman's ideas(just reframed) mixed with experiences and step-by-step workbook-style questions(which I thought was a little odd, based on her critique of teaching communication skills). It wasn't until page 226 that she really got to, what I feel, was the crux of the issue which, ironically(?), was to see each self in its community of origin (however big or small) and address these issues(let's not talk the reparenting thing here. There's too much I think about that and too little research stored in my head to make it accurate).

To sum up: there was too little info on prevention and not enough presentation of a deep dive to satisfy any solid claim of a cure. Especially since, I might add, marital counseling is rarely covered by insurance and, therefore, any help people with a lower income can get, is worth giving(especially since stats point to single parents as earning less---making it a laudable goal to help everyone, and especially couples in that income bracket who might not have insurance or spare cash anyway).*

*Update, I've been thinking more about this. Why is it that when therapists write about their clients they're always like "John, a successful business owner and Mary, a financial wizard, were always fighting"? I mean, I know partially why. But isn't it telling that it never reads "Joe, owner of a struggling business, and Jane, who was working at the local grocery store to make ends meet..."?… (mehr)

Dr. Johnson's book easily wins the "World's Worst Title Ever" award. "Hold Me Tight" qua self-help book title evokes, in this reader, all the wrong associations. Much as does the scent of patchouli oil and as does the sound of gauzy-eyed adults whispering for their inner child to come on out for a good old back rub, "Hold Me Tight" evokes (again, for this reader) scary New Agey associations. For example, "Hold Me Tight" made me recall against my will that Kenny Loggins dumped his first wife in order to marry his colonic therapist. In a nude wedding ceremony. Nude, as in, everybody in attendance, guests and minister (excepting, hopefully, his clerical collar) included, sans sartorial stitch one. Nothing wrong with the concept, I guess, but who wants to see Mr. Danger Zone, singing, nakedly, to his new wife "Cut foot-loo-zah! Cut foot-loo-zah!"

Nothing against the New Age, per se, but everything against Kenny Loggins. That man's music has done way too much harm for him to ever have hope of redemption.

The foregoing may indeed be a strange preamble for the review of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I kind of feel like I needed to say what I felt about the title. Because many people who feel like I do about touchy-feely New Age hand-holding might otherwise bypass a truly remarkable and helpful book.

"Hold Me Tight," contrary to whatever negative images or atavistic longings its title triggers, is a phenomenal book. Dr. Johnson is part of the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy; again, sorry for whatever horrible associations this phrase conjures) movement. EFT espouses spousal connection and intimacy over technical communication proscriptions and mars-venus feelings flowcharts. Unlike most traditional "get along with your spouse" theories, EFT actually works real wonders.

I could go on, but I won't. If you seek to communicate more meaningfully with your spouse, fight your feelings and look past the bad title and read "Hold Me Tight."… (mehr)