Lori Leibovich

I thought this would be a good collection because reviews spewed hatred from both sides - people complained, variously, that the book favored the childfree too much and the parents too much, and didn't give proper credit to the other side. The collection lived up to my expectations - authors were honest, and while their feelings may have been uncomfortable, their honesty was welcome! And at those moments when I started to face my own ambiguities and regrets at my choices, I'd run smack into an essay that reminded me why they were, after all, the right choices for me.… (mehr)

This book, a collection of essays by writers about why they decided to become parents (or not), intrigued me because I am a 26-year-old married woman with zero interest in ever having children. It is not, however, a book I would have picked up while browsing in the bookstore, mostly because I don't visit the Parenting and Family section.

This book is a little lop-sided. A mere 18% of it is spent on people who made the decision to be childless; the "On the Fence" section is misnamed, as all the articles are about people who want children but for whatever reason do not have them (with the exception of the woman who has already children, but they are not biologically related to her). It should have been titled "On the Verge."

A few of the essays stick out in my mind. One believes that while she practices it herself, childlessness on a large scale will mean the death of American culture. Another admits to wanting a child mostly because she wants someone who looks like her. Another talks about her son's diagnosis of autism. But while there were certainly differences, I was struck most by the similarity of the stories. Sure, they're all writers, but it went beyond that. A large number of them casually discussed their travels to far corners of the world, their liberal political leanings, their abortions, their passion for fine art and wine. Most of them also started their families relatively late - in their 30s or 40s.

Unless you are fascinated by the subject of parenthood, this is not a book to be read all in one sitting. The stories start to run together and more than a few feel tediously familiar. That said, I'm glad I read it; I still don't want children, but now I understand a little better those that do.… (mehr)

Let me start off by saying that up until a few months ago, I considered myself to be childfree. Right now, I think it's safe to say I'm a fence sitter who's leaning towards childfree. And, thanks to my newfound interest in feminism over the past year, I've developed a major interest in the realities of parenthood and the way mothers are viewed and treated by our society. I'm also, of course, interested in people's decisions to have or not have children, and how and why they arrived at such a decision, so I definitely enjoyed this book. I went back and forth between a three and a half and four star rating, though, main reason being that even though I felt the essays were shockingly and refreshingly honest, well written (there was not one author whose writing I didn't like), diverse in perspective and interesting, I was bothered by what was a lack of diversity in lifestyle, upbringing and culture. I would have loved to have heard from folks of all classes, races and professions but it's not like the book didn't warn me ahead of time what was up. It never claimed to be diverse in those aspects so I don't feel like I have much room to complain. Still, it's something that nagged me the entire time I was reading it.

What I liked most about this book was the fact that even though every one of these writers was ultimately happy with the decision they made, whether that was to have children or remain childless or childfree, they never arrived at decisions that were wrapped in a pretty box with a neat little bow on top. There was no easy, clean cut answer, and I think the writers did an excellent job at articulating how difficult a decision it is to make and live with, no matter what path you go down. I also think a lot of these writers said things that a large portion of parents and non-parents alike, would never admit to, and that's one of the reasons I loved this book and have so much respect for the contributers. Most of these essays were just... wow! I was a bit surprised as just how candid they were.

It was also great to read essays about parenthood from men. So often when the topic of parenthood and babies is discussed, women seem to dominate the discussion or seem to be the only ones worthy of contributing opinions. Some of the most interesting essays, in my opinion, came from men, such as Redemption by Joe Loya, a bipolar, chronically depressed, ex-convict suffering the effects of an abusive childhood and wrestling with whether or not to have children, the fear of possibly passing on his mental illnesses to his children a major concern. Another one of my favorites was One Is Enough by Neal Polluck in which he humorously, although I'm not one hundred percent sure he meant to be, discussed why he and his wife have no desire to have more than one child.

I also particularly enjoyed The Rise From the Earth (So Far) by Maud Casey, a bipolar woman also wrestling with a mental illness and whether or not to have a child. The best essay though, in my opinion, came from Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, entitled Diagnosis: Broken in which she and her husband tried to come to terms with their son being diagnosed with Asperger's. It was beautifully written and the most powerful essay of them all. I won't really go into detail as to the main reason why it was, for me, so as not to spoil it for future readers, but I will say that it has to do with my being bugged by the lack of racial and class diversity amongst the contributers.

The only essay I didn't like was The Baby Stops Here by Lionel Shriver. It was alright until she started talking about how all of the "wrong people" are having children. She mentioned how much she loves Western culture and is afraid it is disappearing, and said that even though "there's nothing wrong with these visitors-here-to-stay--from Morocco, Saudi Arabia, China," they "speak different tongues, eat different foods, heed different conventions, make and watch different movies, and often hold very different values dear." I disagree but I'll leave that for my longer review.*

I definitely recommend this book to parents and non-parents alike. Well, at least those interested in parenting on some level. It wasn't in any way sickening and a bunch of parents gushing over how cutesy-wootsy their kids are and how amazing and mind-blowing parenthood is. However, it still could prove to be a bit irritating for those who have no interest in kids or parenting whatsoever.… (mehr)