Jackson Mackenzie

This book may be helpful for people dealing with a very specific set of circumstances, in which the person dated a psychopath who then left them for someone else. It often uses second person when first person would serve much better, e. g.: "You were devastated to see a picture your ex with their new partner on their facebook profile." These details are overly specific, and probably extremely relatable to some people at the expense of being irrelevant to others. The book also describes people with personality disorders in metaphysical terms, as being essentially evil and soulless.… (mehr)

I'm giving it 4 stars more for its powers of personal validation than for the way it's written, which as some have mentioned can be repetitive (although this has is its own affirming power in my opinion. some things ought to be repeated like a mantra). It loosely charts the trajectory of a toxic relationship (although specifically one with a Psychopath as per the personal experience of the author) & the subsequent healing process. I especially appreciated reading about the unbearable multitude of cognitive dissonances one suffers from after breaking away from such a toxic person & trying to rationalize their behaviour as well as your own. For me, this part is truly the most confusing & unbearable, and this book is the first place where I found an elucidation of this twisted experience; how it wrecks your sense of self, almost emptying it.

For me the more touching parts of the book were the parts where the author is almost reaching out to the reader through shared experience, constantly reminding one of the fact that there is an end to this experience & that one would be better for it (I balked at this in the beginning but how true I find it to be by the end of the book!).

Some limitations I find though is that the book presents a rather narrow experience of an intimate relationship with a toxic person, in this case specifically a psychopath. Though a lot of what was written resonated with me, a lot of it did not as well because it seemed so specific. Will all relationships with psychopath be so rote? It would be great if there were some space included in the book to include a wider range of experiences & a wider range of toxic people. (Though a definition of Narcissists and Sociopaths are given, this book doesn't deal with the specifics of dealing with them).

Another thing I was uncomfortable with was the absolute language. Firstly, the book is already rather loose in the sense that it doesn't have citations nor does it bother to substantiate certain claims with data or research (I think personal experience is very valid as substantiation but for certain claims made I think there ought to be data otherwise it's hard for me to accept it). The language could be very strong and though I have had a destructive experience with a toxic person, I would not use the word "evil" to describe them. Nor am I comfortable with the idea that people with Sociopathy, Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Psychopathy are beyond redemption and that they can't be cured at all (if 'cured' is the right word). Nor do I think BPD can be grouped together with Sociopathy & Psychopathy, while the latter includes a lack of empathy people with BPD often suffer from too much of it. Perhaps this is my personal discomfort, but despite my experience it pains my heart to think that such a determinist take on such personality disorders could be true. I've read about personal accounts where people who have recognized psychopathy and sociopathy within themselves have 'cured' or at least mitigated their condition through years of sustained treatment or therapy.

While I understand that empathy in victims have been manipulated, and therefore rendering abusers such as psychopaths & sociopaths as evil & beyond redemption is an act of personal liberation, I can't find it in myself to hold such a fatalist view on 15% (as mentioned in the book) of the population. The author says that it isn't his concern, that his concern is with survivors & that is fair enough, I don't take issue with that, I am just bogged down by the idea that we simply write off 15% of the population who are born with such a condition as utterly evil & beyond redemption. I don't know.. I feel like there can be a way where we validate & help those victimized by pathologically abusive behaviour while at the same time extend some empathy (yes i know victims did this with no positive consequence..) to the abusers in a non-intimate sense.

But anyway I'm very very thankful for this book.… (mehr)

This book immaculately describes the full idealization, identity erosion, and discarding phases of a romantic encounter with a psychopath.. Ever since I suspected something was not quite right with my ex, I always wondered if I'd ever really ‘put a finger on it’.. Per chance one night, we were watching a movie where he REALLY admired the main character, one who was calculated with a superficial charm to others, but cool.. All of the time.. In that movie, the term "sociopath" was brought to light and I immediately researched it on my phone.. That night, my ex and I both came to the conclusion there was a strong likelihood he was a sociopath.. But after reading this book and unfortunately going through all phases (idealize, devalue, and discard) since then, there is no doubt in my mind my ex is indeed a psychopath, as all psychopaths are sociopaths and suffer from ASPD.. I love this book because it describes to a 'tee' every single thing I went through in each phase.. The constant flattery, phone communication, physical smothering, and seemingly unwavering desire to be in my presence in the idealization phase.. The competitive, “word salad arguments”, blatant disrespect and disregard for my feelings, indiscreet flirting and sexual infidelity with so-called "exes", triangulation, blank stares when I displayed my negative emotions, and forcing me to turn the other cheek when wrongdoing was done just to keep the peace in the devalue phase that ultimately caused my identity erosion.. And finally, the covert action plan he implemented to purposely cause our downfall and finally show off his new girlfriend for all the world to see, without a hint of guilt, in the discarding phase.. It is all too fresh for me, having gotten dumped FOR GOOD only three months ago.. But I am so grateful I found this book.. It so eloquently describes in down-to-earth language the whirlwind of emotions I have gone through (and continue to go through) and essentially puts my mind at ease when cognitive dissonance occurs and makes me feel like I am losing my mind.. This book has given me so much confidence to get up and get the rest of my life started and get back to who I used to be before the psychopath came in and mirrored my personality and twisted it for the bad.. I've concluded the psychopath was my addiction, so No Contact (as this book discusses) will need to be strictly enforced to facilitate my success.. I just absolutely love this book and highly recommend it to anyone who is second-guessing their romantic relationship with a potential psychopath..… (mehr)