Sarah Ockwell-Smith

The ToddlerCalm framework is a useful way to remember some good tips for dealing with toddlers, but the book itself is so-so.

It starts with some background on how the toddler mind develops. Toddlers aren't mini-adults, and what we expect of adults just doesn't work with them. For example, toddlers don't really understand chains of reasoning, especially when they're upset. (To be fair, while we like to pretend otherwise, that's generally true of adults too.)

Based on other things I've read, this is a pretty good overview of toddler developmental, but it the presentation bugged me for two reasons. First, Ockwell-Smith falls into the common parenting book habit of being judgmental of certain parenting behaviors; more gently than other sources, but still disapproving. Second, her citations felt second hand. Instead of citing research psychologists, she tended to cite child experts and non-research psychologists. If this were a series of blog posts, I'd be fine with that. In a book, I expect better.

That said, Ockwell-Smith's attitude toward toddlers is consistently positive, respectful, and development oriented. Her model presents a concrete tips to steer between authoritarian and permissive parenting and instead aim for the authoritative style. When it comes to the concrete details of what she recommends, I find myself agreeing with most of it.

Key to her approach is to avoid one-size-fits-all solutions, and instead analyze the problems your child is having using the CRUCIAL framework.

C: Understand what control the toddler is trying to get; can they be given some control while still allowing your family to achieve their goals?

R: Know that your toddlers need a rhythm to their life. This doesn't mean a rigid schedule, but it call for familiar structures. Deviation from rhythm can cause behavior problems. Just as importantly, incorporating something into the daily rhythm can make new behaviors easier to incorporate.

U: It's worth taking the time to understand the real problem rather than assume the reasons for the child's behavior.

C: It's important to communicate with the child in a style they can understand. Get down on their level (literally and figuratively), don't use long chains of reasoning, relate things to what they understand.

I: Every toddler is an individual. Don't assume that what solved another child's problematic behavior will work for this child, but also don't assume something is wrong with your child just because they have some problem another child doesn't.

A: Take stock of your needs and your child's needs and avoid situations that tend to trigger bad behavior when they aren't critical. Don't let the social pressure of what you "should" do force you to do something that makes you and your children unhappy. The author gives the examples of skipping play date if your child is having a hard day and not feeling obliged to follow a schedule on things like weaning or potty training.

L: Always show your love for the child. In the stress of day-to-day life with a toddler, it can be easy to show anger and take the love for granted. Remembering how much you love your toddler when they're having a melt down can help you both.

Nothing earth shaking, but it's a nice mnemonic. I just wish that it'd been embedded in a book that didn't have so many small but annoying bits.… (mehr)

I'd found the content of one of Ockwell-Smith's earlier books, [b:ToddlerCalm|18398387|ToddlerCalm A Guide for Calmer Toddlers & Happier Parents|Sarah Ockwell-Smith|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1377857395s/18398387.jpg|26026810], to be useful, even if I was somewhat annoyed by the writing style. When I heard that she had a newer book on baby and toddler sleep, I was intrigued.

Overall, this book was rather meh. I'll start with the good. Ockwell-Smith presents the BEDTIME framework for helping debug sleep issues. BEDTIME is: Bedsharing and co-sleeping; Expectations (setting and having the right ones); Diet; Transitional objects; IT and screen time; Me time; Environment. If your child is having sleep issues, Ockwell-Smith recommends that you go through these different factors and think about how could be changed to improve sleep. Then make some changes and be sure to try them for at least 6 weeks before giving up on them. She has some specific tips she gives for each category. Overall, this framework is similar to that in other books on baby sleep, but listing the factors is a useful addition.

As for what is annoying, the same tendency she'd shown in ToddlerCalm to be a bit critical of certain parenting choices was somewhat annoying. Also, while the background on infant and toddler sleep was interesting, you could tell that the studies she chose to emphasize were highly cherry picked to support her particular beliefs. Some of her comments about diet and chiropractic treatment for babies and toddlers (ack!) veered near if not into the woo category.

The other thing that annoyed me is that Ockwell-Smith heavily encouraged bed sharing and co-sleeping (yay!) but her discussion of transitioning the child to their own bed/room was decidedly brief. Most of the second part of the book is case studies for different age groups and not a single case study discussed transitioning. This is a huge gap.… (mehr)