From the cutesy name of the southern town (Bless Your Heart, North Carolina) to the population of quirky female characters, this novel is a clumsy, tone-deaf "murder mystery meets Harlequin Romance meets Steel Magnolias." I guess for a freebie I can't complain. It wasn't boring, it was just really dumb.

The Future Widows Club (FWC) of the title is a group of women who are, or were, married to horrible men. They get together to laugh, eat, and celebrate their future status as widows. Because widow-hood is better than divorce. Club rituals include: pre-planning the funeral; buying the fabulous outfit, with hat, that you will wear to the funeral; and increasing the amount of life insurance on the SOB you�Ûªre married to. Several of the women are Lifetime Members, or actual widows whose husbands have passed away.

Jolie, the newest member of the club, is married to Chris Marshall. He cheats on her with every floozy in town, beats her, and has swindled her mother out of her life savings to finance his crooked business dealings. She is invited to join the FWC and it becomes a lifeline for her as she is sticking with the marriage until she can recoup her mother‰Ûªs money and gather enough evidence to send her rat-bastard husband to prison.

Then Chris is murdered in a gruesome way. Jolie, having recently performed all of the FWC rituals (funeral, outfit, life insurance, etc.) looks VERY guilty. Fortunately for her no one in the town seems all that interested in finding Chris‰Ûª killer, and the investigation is headed by none other than handsome sheriff Jake Malone ‰ÛÒ the love of her life. They broke up briefly for some stupid reason and that‰Ûªs when she married Chris, to her eternal regret.

The murder investigation is all wrapped up with a ridiculously minimal amount of stress for Jolie, and of course she and Jake end up happily ever after. The Big Surprise at the end of the novel was both idiotic and disturbing.

If you‰Ûªve read this, you may agree with some of my issues in the following spoilers section:

Chris Marshall was shot through the chest, and HIS DICK WAS CUT OFF. Later, the missing, frozen penis was found GLUED TO A STATUE in the center of town. No matter how bad the guy was, that is some disturbing shit, right there; but it was actually played for laughs in this book. I found that really hard to accept.

Jolie was reluctant to ‰ÛÏout‰Û the FWC because it would expose this secret society and some of the members might suffer further abuse at the hands of their husbands. So instead they claim it is a bridge club. Who the hell plays bridge in this day and age?! Among the people who DON‰ÛªT were almost all of the members of the FWC, which seemed to make it a very shaky alibi. Why not just say it was a book club? Then they could have said that while they were reading a book about a woman whose husband had died they got the ideas for Jolie to do all the ‰ÛÏfuture widow activities‰Û to make herself feel better. So simple! But then that would have lessened some of the unnecessary drama of the book.

The big reveal of the murderer at the end of the novel was bad and creepy. Charter member of the FWC, ditsy Bitsy passes away. She leaves a box for some of the Lifetime Members to open privately after her death. The box contains various incriminating objects and a letter in which she confesses that she actually murdered several of the husbands, including her own and Jolie‰Ûªs. At the time of the murder, Jolie was a woman she barely knew. (And remember, she cut off his pee pee!) So basically, Bitsy was a deranged serial killer. Are the women justifiably horrified? No! They chuckle affectionately and have a big bonfire where they burn all the incriminating evidence.

Now I don‰Ûªt know about you, but if I was the prime suspect in the unsolved murder of my husband, and I had a signed confession and evidence that someone else did it, I think I might hold on to that.

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