As I have mentioned in other reviews, books that fall broadly within the “self-help” category are usually not my “go-to” reads. It’s not that I live under the delusion that I’ve pretty much got my life under control and am, for all intents and purposes, pretty near perfect—far from it! Rather, my experience has been that many self-help books typically share observations that are so “self-evident,” that they barely qualify for the title of “insight.” There is also the fact that many self-help writers seem to have perfected the marketing technique of “re-packaging,” selling book after book with relatively little in the way of new insights or approaches.

But enough with the rant against an entire genre that is, by all accounts, not going away any time soon. I grew up listening to James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” radio broadcast; Gary Smalley along with his colleague John Trent were frequent guests of the program, so I’m familiar with his work…at least, I’m as familiar as any ten-year-old boy would be with tips for maintaining a healthy marriage. However, even that half-familiarity was enough to make much of what Smalley shared here sounded eerily familiar.

Smalley is, clearly, a gifted observer and communicator. It is easy to see from his writing why and how he would excel as a counselor; he has, as the numerous anecdotes he shares here amply demonstrate, the unique ability to help people really perceive their own behaviors and the attendant negative outcomes. (I’ve learned that the best counselors are not the ones who tell you what to do but the ones who show you what you are doing and help you then figure out for yourself how you ought to do things differently.) This is probably the book’s single-greatest strength; written at the apex of a lifetime of marriage counseling, Smalley’s advice is clearly grounded in the “real world” of actual relationships, drawn from an absolute treasure-trove of experience. It becomes quite evident that, in his time as a counselor, Smalley quite literally “saw it all,” from the comical to the catastrophic.

I suppose the two most important insights that I gleaned from this work (amongst a host of other smaller but no less important “aha” moments), were these:
• The most significant enemy of lasting marital love is unresolved anger
• The biblical idea of love is rooted in the concept of “honor” (in the sense of “holding as precious”) for our spouse

The anger that crops up in marriage is typically related to disappointed expectations. And the root of disappointed expectations is an unhealthy relationship with God. We are disappointed with people when we look to them for fulfillment that only God can deliver. As you can see, this can quickly become a vicious spiral: I expect too much from my spouse, my spouse fails to deliver on my unrealistic expectation, therefore I become angry, which (oddly enough) raises my expectations (e.g., now I want my expectation met PLUS an adequate apology for disappointing me), which makes it even MORE impossible for my spouse to meet the demand, which makes me even MORE angry…you get the picture. To get at the root of your unresolved anger then, you must work on your relationship with God; once you find the needed satisfaction in Him, you can release your spouse from the prison of false expectations, and find true lasting joy in your relationship.

The second most important insight was the relationship of “honor” to “love.” Smalley notes that the ancient Greeks thought of something “honorable” as something that was “heavy” or “weighty.” It is “honor” that determines the “weight” of any relationship. Honor in a marital context does not mean that our friendships don’t “count” at all, only that they “count” LESS than our marriage (or, at least, they should). To “honor” your spouse means to give them first priority and consideration; it also requires physical manifestation. (You can’t really “honor” wounded military veterans without something tangible like a Purple Heart; words ABOUT “honor” do not constitute “honor” itself!) Here is the brutal truth: people “fall out of love” with their spouse because, at some forgotten point, they’ve chosen to stop actively “honoring” them. Smalley also asserts (against our instincts and folk wisdom) that there is really no way to “over-praise” someone, especially from someone who truly “honors” them. True, heart-felt, genuine praise actually combats conceit and pride.

To some, that probably appears to be rather miserable as a final “take-away” from a 200-plus page book, and I suppose that may be right. But I think it stems from the nature of the book itself, which is kind of a “smorgasbord” of key concepts and ideas culled from Smalley’s other work. Now, to be fair, this was part of the book’s intentional design (to “survey” some of the relational landmines that sabotage lasting marital love) and, in and of itself, it is NOT a flawed design. However, it DOES leave the book feeling a bit “disjointed,” especially in the second section, where the order of chapters feels arbitrary at best, hodge-podge at worst.

Having said that, this might then be the PERFECT book for pre-marital counseling or for newly-weds, situations where spouses need to be aware of a variety of pitfalls, rather than working hard on one or two persistent areas of weakness. However, for a 40-something husband whose been (pretty happily) married to his wife for going-on 18 years (ahem, me), it perhaps failed to connect at points for being too generalized or for dealing at length with issues that have already worked themselves out.

I will conclude by saying that, as averse as I am to “self-improvement” books, I am glad that I decided to include this genre in my annual reading regimen and that I chose to read this book. And while I may not see much “new” insight here, I do understand the value of the “timely reminder.” Smalley offers here “tried and true” teaching on what a BIBLICAL marriage should look like, and can offer any open reader a renewed chance to work toward a “love that lasts.” ( )

Marriage expert Gary Smalley explains how couples can maintain a deep, fulfilling love through all the stages of life and offers techniques that can help couples learn more about each other, understand each other's needs, and learn to love life.

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