Mary Collins (1) (1961–)

It’s quite difficult to find books discussing the FTM experience. I am fortunate to have a trans son in my family and seek to understand better the challenges and rewards he has experienced during and after transition. This book, with the dual insights of mother and son, was helpful.

One thing that struck me was that, once a person decides to transition to their true selves, no one is allowed to express concern (about hormones, surgeries, etc) without being deemed unsupportive. I fully supported my son’s transition, but I was concerned about the risks of such major surgeries and the lifelong hormone treatments. As Mary Collins says in this book, there was nowhere to discuss these worries, no place to grieve the loss of a daughter (while simultaneously celebrating the newborn son). I still puzzle about what to do with his baby photos.

The discussions between the two writers broke my heart a bit. How could she cut him off because he was taking hormones? How could she do that? Why did he not tell his mother what he was doing, and avoid her for months? I grieve for their losses.

Fortunately, Mary and Donald have found their way back to each other. I think this book could be of help to many parents who are living with a transitioning child, and many transitioning people who are angry at their parents for not being gung ho supportive. Mostly, it emphasizes the need to speak to each other, to take time to understand and listen without judgement.… (mehr)

This book was interesting, though I do feel a little conflicted about it. I liked how the story was told from both the point of view of the mother and the son. Having the mother's thoughts and feelings was interesting, especially since that's not something you typically get from a trans memoir. However, though I think she's now supportive of her son and has always been a loving parent, I do not agree with her constant insistence that entities that supported and assisted her son during his transitions (the school, medical offices, therapy, etc.) should have included her more in the conversation and thought process of what was happening with her son's transition, especially because she had shown such negative reactions to his decision. I can only image how challenging it must be from a parent's point of view and she has every right to have her own thoughts and feelings about what is happening to her child, but once he is legally an adult, she was not owed any kind of information or input. That's just a part of children growing up.

I'm glad things worked out between them, overall, and they were able to put together this book. Parents who are struggling with their child coming out as trans might find it comforting to know they are not alone in their questions and fears. On that note, I do agree with Mary in that there shouldn't be a black and white "if you're not with us you're against us" right off the bat. Transition is a process for both the individual and the family, and thoughts and feelings can change over time. Demonizing someone just because they having misgivings is never helpful.… (mehr)