Shirley ImpellizzeriRezensionen

In the 1980s, when I was in college and trying to understand myself, I was introduced to a book that changed my life--The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller. Reading Why Can't I Change?, byShirley Impellizzeri, left me with a wistful sense of nostalgia. If you are not familiar with attachment theory (and even if you are), this book may be very enlightening. For someone who has done a lot of reading in the field of personal growth/psychology/self help, the information won't be new, but I like the way she presents it, it's accessible and engaging, and the exercises are thoughtful provoking and doable.

I felt the book to concentrate on two main points - what kind of a parent you are and how to improve your relationship with your significant other. Although there are complete books on both these, this one gives a new perspective on the topics, especially the one for parenting. The exercises that the author gives were pretty interesting. I really liked the "validate your child's concern/fear" point. I am going to remember that for years to come.

The chapter on the functioning of the brain was a good primer, again there are people who spend decades of their lives to understand how the brain does, what it does. I'm now sure to keep track of my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems in order to better my understanding of myself.

The author talks about defense mechanisms that our body uses for various purposes. I could relate to most of them (as to when I do such things myself). The discussion about 'listen to your body' were thought-provoking. Point noted miss Impellizzeri.

All in all an enjoyable book to read.

With the myriad of self-help books in circulation, it rests on every author to find some way to stand apart from the crowd. Most self-help books have the same components: anecdotes, explanations, assessments and inventories, and suggestions. In that sense, this book is no different. What this book contributes is an explanation of relationship problems based on an underutilized theory in pop psychology literature -- attachment theory. It also integrates and updates this theory by a discussion of the latest in neuropsychology and brain research.

That said, the sheer amount of information in this book means it's not a quick read. The exercises ("take aways") at the end of each chapter do connect the theory and research to personal behavior and relationship issues. Likewise, the exercises do help the reader answer the question posed in the title, assuming that (as Oprah Winfrey said often), "When you know better, you do better." Unfortunately, insight often isn't sufficient for change, and the few behavior changes that are suggested, such as communication skills and self-soothing, have been detailed extensively in other self-help books. Insight may not be enough for those readers who are currently experiencing intense relationship problems or who have survived trauma/abuse or those who have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness. But for the average self-help book reader, the insight and information provided may be enough.

This book provided a lot of insights, and yes, I did recognize myself in many of the author's examples. I'm less sure that the strategies for overcoming one's learned reactions are helpful; sixty-plus years of avoidance and shutting down emotions won't easily be overcome. Nonetheless, I would recommend this book to anyone struggling to understand why they have such difficulty forming healthy relationships.½

This is a very carefully written book with helpful exercises at the end of each chapter. The author explains current behaviors by using attachment theory. The path forward seem to be a combination of Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness.

This book would be very interesting to anyone trying to understand their current behaviors in terms of attachment theory.

I found this book to be not only informative but genuinely interesting. More importantly, it prompted some important questions and reflection on the answers. I haven't come across a book quite like this before, and I appreciated the unique approach and insight offered by the author. This is the kind of book that (if read with sincere interest and willingness to think) can truly affect lives for the better.

The book "Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns" serves as three books in one. First, as the title suggests, it's a self-help guide. Second, it's a book on parenting. Third, it's a book on interpersonal relationships.

The self-help aspect of the book describes attachment theory. It uses this theory to draw a connection between how we react to stress and emotional situations today and how accessible and responsive to us our earliest caregivers were in the past. This connection brings us insight into our behavior. Once aware of our needs, we can circumvent misunderstandings and bring resolution to conflicts.

The aforementioned connection to our caregivers is what also makes this a helpful parenting book. Those of us who don't want our kids to turn out as screwed up as we are can benefit from knowing how to respond to displays of emotion. (Hint, not with, "Oh you'll get over it;" rather, "It's upsetting that the boy dumped you.") The author gives us hope -- we can repair neglectful parenting fairly easily.

And because everyone we deal with, (boss, coworker, spouse, classmate, teacher, etc.) may not have had the most ideal parenting, we gain a bit more understanding, tolerance and perhaps even compassion when dealing with difficult people.

One concern I had is that the author doesn't discuss neurological disorders. Her description of the "avoidant attachment" type could also describe someone with mild autism. We are left to ponder whether autism is the result of avoidant mothers ("refrigerator mothers.") A brief statement explaining that attachment theory applies only to neurotypical individuals should be included.

Overall the book is easy to read. The author deftly combines theory with anecdotes from her own life and that of her patients. Exercises for self-discovery and behavior modification are included. Spelling and grammar are very good with only two minor errors.

I got this book free from LibraryThing's Early Reviewers.

There's a reason I don't usually read self-help books. This book is probably about as good as any other self-help, but all of them I have encountered seem to have a particular problem: they assume that the world you're surrounded by, and the people you're with, are all essentially normal. That your family and friends have problems, perhaps, but that they can change right alongside you.

But what if your world ISN'T normal and the people you're with are dysfunctional and WON'T change their maladaptive behavior no matter what you do?

A lot of the stuff in this self-help book (like the sample conversations on how to validate your emotions) simply doesn't work if the other people in your life won't behave.

Dr. I writes very well, easy to read. Be aware that "attachment" is her field, so she sees the world through this lens. That being said, the research on which this book is based seems solid, at this time. Secondly, much of the recommended action, including in Chapter ending exercises, is not new, unless you haven't seen it before. Many of the activities work very well. Have, for a long time, whether you knew about "attachment" theory or not. I certainly recommend the book - again, especially for those to whom this approach is new. I can work very effectively for you. Thanks for the opportunity to review this book.

What an incredible and insightful work! This book details the types of attachment and goes into techniques to let go of our old ways that are leaving us trapped. It's very well written, and quite well edited. Dr. Impellizzeri explains everything extremely well, and makes it easy for laymen to understand and apply to their own lives and internal thought processes. I was very impressed and would highly recommend this book to absolutely anyone!

Why Can't I Change explains various styles of parental attachment, and how those styles show up in adults. The author explains the biology of the brain, how it is affected by parental behavior, and how the child's brain then reacts to other people as the child grows up. She is careful to avoid blaming parents and outlines instructions and exercises for changing your style, if you desire. Much of this information was not new to me, but Dr. Impellizzeri explains it well. Her concepts have stayed with me in the days after finishing the book and I have found myself using some of her suggestions. That's a significant accomplishment for a book that many never reach.

I like self-improvement books, and I found this one interesting and based in research. It was well-written and engaging.

Here's an interesting question: Should a self-help book be reviewed by those who need the help or those who don't?

I will admit to falling into the former group. I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning autism), and there are certainly plenty of things I need to change! The flip side is, the mechanisms for change in those with autism are rather different from those in the general population....

There is much here that is good. For example, there is a section on "triggers" -- the events which push a person into a particular behavior. Being someone who has been badly damaged by triggering on the wrong things, I know how vital it is to identify and deal with them.

On the other hand, the focus on the early environment seems to me overblown. Much of what we are is hard-wired, and blaming the environment just gets in the way of treating it. The trick is to learn how to work around the problems.

I really did like the sections on how the brain functions. But the bottom line is, I can't properly review this book. There is much that is useful here. But it never even mentions autism. I know the book addresses genuine problem points. Whether the solutions will work for ordinary people I do not know. I suspect they can learn something, as I did. Whether the techniques work -- your mileage may vary....

One other note that may affect some people: The book is printed with aromatic inks. I don't mean perfumed inks, I mean inks with volatile chemicals in them. Breathing too much of that irritates my bronchial passages -- with the effect that I probably read parts of the book faster than I should have. You may not have this problem. But I'd suggest smelling the book before you buy it to be sure it's safe....