Suzanne Koven

A standard memoir. I found it fairly dull. Perhaps there is some wisdom, and the writing isn't awful, but nor was there anything special.

> Strange as it sounds, being pregnant as a resident made me feel more macho. The pride I felt in telling (and retelling) the story of first feeling my baby move while on call in the CCU was a macho pride

> Why did I engineer that day to make it impossible for my husband to come to the graduation? I think I simply felt too exposed. I feared that I had finally, finally come closer to being fully myself and that the person who knew me best would tell me that, no, I was mistaken: that this was merely another fad, another phase, another fake. Of course, he wouldn’t have. I was very unfair to him. My graduation, and other incidents like it, when I shut my husband out because I couldn’t bear to be seen and possibly found deficient are the greatest regrets of my life.… (mehr)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“I find my patients much more interesting than their diseases”.

And I find this physician much much more interesting than her profession❤️

This is a book about stories. The stories we tell ourselves about where we come from, who we are, and what we need to be “real”, to be true to that tiny kernel of truth each of us is searching for deep inside.

In this poignant memoir, Dr. Suzanne Koven, a Harvard faculty internist, opens up wide and tells us her story. Or rather, stories.

Starting with her childhood, Dr Koven tackles full on her push me-pull you relationship with her mother, a story-teller and feminist role model in her own right, who retrained as a lawyer late in life, battled her own demons and refused to settle for “nonsense” in any capacity.

The authors treatment of her relationship with her physician father is much more complex. Circling, always circling, her coverage here is wispy, sparse - we get the sense of a relationship hovering, fluttering on the perimeter of her life; lacking definition, comfort and safety always just out of reach.

Growing up, then, it was perhaps no surprise that Dr. Koven, early on her journey of self-discovery, leaves her studies in English and Literature to “find herself” as a physician.

It’s fascinating (and in many parts, heartbreaking) to hear about her journey, - as a female medical student and then physician in the 80’s, Dr Koven struggles with identity issues, centering on what we now know of as “imposter” syndrome. Never feeling good enough, not nearly as good as everyone else (read “male” here, but the syndrome isn’t necessarily gendered ) through all the medical knowledge and skills needed, impossible hours, patient trauma and gut-wrenching responsibilities. Balancing it all with motherhood, family illness, menopause, and inevitably the horrifying losses that come with parental decline.

We ache for Dr. Koven through it all, feeling with her as she reveals insights painstakingly gained that lead her to a final story we cannot help but cheer for.

“The experience of the body is never only about the body.”

In illness or in health, our lives become our stories, - how we tell them and the power they hold to define, defeat, or release us.

And on the flip side - hearing others stories transforms us; providing empathic connection and insights that reveal new meaning, aiding us as diagnosticians, as physicians, and ultimately, expanding our lives as people.

Coming back full circle to her first love - the magic of story-telling, language and reading - Dr. Koven comes to realize a new beginning for herself, and a final phase to a more fulfilling medical practice. One that allows her to teach others, integrating both the art and the science of medicine, acknowledging and cherishing both the “male”and the “femaleness” in each of us.

I loved this book. There are so many insights crammed in here, so much to think about, that I suspect I will be reading this one again very soon.

A big thank you to Edelweiss, the publisher, and the author for an advance review copy of this book. All thoughts presented are my own.… (mehr)