Bernard: Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? I'm on the toilet, right, and then Jimmy comes in, and he's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong - it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking when you said to yourselves, "Oh yeah, I'll get a wicker toilet"?

Bernard: Excuse me, there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.

Bernard: I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

Bernard: You can sort your life out anytime; the pub closes in five hours.

Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

Bernard: The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.

Fran: He's got this voice and it just...*does* things to me!

Bernard: GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days! I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package: I'm sorry it's mostly in Phrenobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now, good luck and goodbye!

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Bernard: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance. Which is not noticing.

Bernard: I tell you what, we are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture this "girl" who "likes you" and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard: And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?!
Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

Manny: Let's paaaar...
Bernard: [points his finger threateningly at Manny] DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD 'PARTY' AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!!
Manny: Let's... potter along... in order to attend the party! [Bernard lowers his finger]

Bernard: Oh, she's nice is she? Don't make me get sick into my own scorn. Does she play the viola, does she embroider, is she kind to the servants?

Bernard: The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few, and the people were many. It was everything I expected, and less. I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

Bernard: [Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.

Bernard: Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Bernard: Do you eat? I do. Want to do it in the same room sometime?