In 2009, Ellis Avery was diagnosed with reactive arthritis, a debilitating condition that left her with inflamed joints and limited movement. She was prescribed Humira, a TNF (tumour necrosis factor) blocker, which was hailed as a wonder drug. She was not, however, made aware of research that shows TNF blockers – which prevent the body turning on itself to break down what it incorrectly believes to be tumours – can allow for the development of real cancerous tumours. Through a tragically coincidental series of extremely slim chances, Avery developed uterine fibroids which turn out to be malignant. She developed the rare cancer leiomyosarcoma (‘I felt my future slam shut, as implacable as a shopkeeper’s gate‘). In this essay, she discusses her emotions as she waited for the first post-treatment scan. Stuck in a nightmarish Schrödingersque situation, not knowing whether the scan would be clear or whether her cancer had metastasised, she finds herself obsessively imagining the worst. Fear, as Avery discovers, is a matter of attitude. Taking inspiration from her placid cat Fumiko, she turns her gaze onto fear itself and challenges herself to overcome it. A frank assessment of hope and human frailty at the rock-face, where all our certainties are undermined...

For a post on The Family Tooth, see my blog:
https://theidlewoman.net/2020/02/24/the-family-tooth-ellis-avery/ ( )