It’s been more than a year since I’ve read An Exaltation of Larks, but I needed that break. It was a very emotional experience for me, and I felt drained. I wanted Jav’s story, but at the same time I was scared of what it’d do to my heart, you know?

I finally put on my big girl pants, though, and decided to start 2022 with a bang. I was ready for those feels.



Then Geno came along… And his story just about broke me. It’s like I’ve been preparing myself for a gut punch, and got kicked in the balls instead.



⚠️ some personal shit ahead ⚠️

My friend and I got roofied in 2017, when we were studying abroad. I don’t like talking about it, but it happened, so. Long story short, I went out clubbing with my girlfriends, and admittedly didn’t pay much mind to my drinks. I had just a couple, so what happened later felt extremely bizarre, because I can hold my drink with the best of them. It’s all disjointed bits and pieces now, but at some point, I remember seeing and hearing things, but being unable to move. Like a fucked-up out of body experience. This sort of artificial calm coming over me, then blacking out. And waking up later with no recollection of how I got back to my dorm, with bruises under my arms where someone grabbed my deadweight body and hauled me upstairs. Luckily, we hadn’t been raped, because we’d been in a bigger group of friends, and one of them noticed that something was wrong and got us out. Still, it’s one of my worst memories. Bodily integrity, and all that.

⚠️ end of personal shit ⚠️

So, reading Geno’s POV felt visceral on many levels. I had to put the book down several times. (And when I sighed or sniffled randomly, or stared off into space frowningly — and it was often — you bet I was thinking about it real hard.) Add to that the issue of the invisibility of male rape victims that Suanne raised here in her sensitive, but ‘no-bullshit’ way, and it made for some emotional reading. I was tearing up and cursing aloud. Probably made some weird faces, too. It was exhausting, but somehow empowering at the same time.

There’s just something so beautiful and authentic about Suanne’s writing, like oh my god how does she even do that?? It’s like she knows some secret language, and talks directly to your soul? Such a powerful feeling… Ah, this book made me an emotional wreck.

Just like Suanne’s other work, this book was wonderfully quotable and I wanted to highlight like 80% of it. Not only gems such as these:

“Love is a big wisdom made up of small understandings.”

“You still have the best parts of you. I don’t think they’re lost. I think you put them away somewhere really, really deep inside, where no one can ever touch or hurt or betray or fuck them again.”

“You’re the last chapter. I went from the prologue to you. I skipped everything in the middle and now I’m in love with you and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

but also the silly, heartwarming bits:

“I haven’t been laid in so long, the other day I gave a box of tampons my phone number.”

“What about that auditory specialist you were nailing?”
“I haven’t heard from her.”
“Weren’t you dating a speech therapist for a while?”
“Her conversation sucked.”
“Then there was the ENT nurse.”
“She kept ramming her political views down my throat.”
“And the proctologist.”
“She had a real stick up her ass.”
“What about that male stripper you picked up?”
“I couldn’t get his clothes off.”

I. ATE. IT. UP. Every word.

In other news, Jav and Stef were absolute perfection. I want a love like theirs, sometime, maybe.

I’ll probably take a couple months’ break before continuing this series, but I will come back to it. And then I’ll tackle Suanne’s other work. Later. Right now all I want to do is cuddle with my cat, and maybe do some light reading until the book hangover passes. ( )

I thought Larks would be my favorite book of this year but woah was I absolutely wrong... This book is unbelievably profound and touching and evoked so many feelings in me, I can't even describe what I felt. One thing I do know, Finches is going to be one of my most all time favorite books ever because I really don't know if I've read a better book.

Geno is a twin, closely connected to his brother all his life but recently feels them drifting apart after their mother's death. But what happened to Geno in the first couple of chapters just broke me. Harrowing and unspeakable things are done to him during a forty four hour ordeal which ends in his brother's suicide and father's heart broken death. His physical recovery from almost the brink of death takes weeks and months but the psychological toll is too much to even read about, let alone experienced by this boy.

We met Stef at the end of Larks during his chance encounter with Javier. Stef is an art therapist who specializes in the most distressing cases of rape and abuse and it was so heartening to read about his work. He is a wonderful compassionate person with an unending well of creative ideas that he uses to help his clients deal with the most horrifying experiences of their lives. He is thoughtful, he is gentle but he is also resolute and I can't even imagine the mental strength he has to deal with everything.

Jav has given up on his escorting and is now a full time writer but he is also lonely, and finally wants to find love. His chemistry with Stef is pretty much awesome from the first meeting but they are both vulnerable and have never really been in meaningful relationships before. Their slow burn relationship is just too beautiful to read about and they complement each other perfectly. Jav is uncertain about finding true love on his first try but Stef is always there with his unconditional love to prove him wrong. Stef is very adamant about not bringing his work home but it's not always possible and when he can't handle it all anymore, Jav is right there to unburden him. Their quiet moments, the silences, their conversations, the understanding they have about each other's sexual limitations - it's all so wonderful and I think one of the most fervent relationships I've ever read about.

This might be about Jav and Stef's love but the heart of this book is Geno. He is violated in so many ways but his journey of picking up the pieces of his life and finding himself again is full of pain but also indomitable strength. He may have lost everyone in his family but he slowly starts forming relationships, first with a few guys in college and then with survivors like him at the Exodus Project. His relationship with Stef starts off in a professional manner but its develops into so much more deeper, almost brotherly love. Even Jav can't help but admire Geno for his tenacity and endurance. Every single character is well fleshed out with backstories and all of them are essential parts of Geno's journey of survival.

The author's writing is evocative and emotional and utterly devastating but I wouldn't have it any other way. She brings out the best in the characters and intense emotions in the readers and I laughed and cried and felt heartbroken and also hopeful. Her research into survivor's guilt, their reactions and triggers, art therapy and certain historical events is very thorough and it reflects in every word on every page. We learn so much about the survivors - what they endure, what they feel and how they survive. It also teaches us to be more compassionate and thoughtful because we have no idea what anyone has been through. The author also leaves us with lots of questions - about the best and worst of humanity, what will a person do to survive, how do we move on when we never get answers to the questions that are eating at us, about the silenced demographic of male rape survivors whose stories we never get to hear because of our society's norms on masculinity, and ultimately, what are the little ways in which we can help.

This story might start with a basement of horrors but its a beautiful tale of love, loss, survival, strength, friendship and family. Reading the book will put your heart through a wringer but you will end it feeling a little better and hopeful. It can be read as a standalone but knowing more about Jav's backstory in Larks definitely enriched my experience. It doesn't matter what your favorite genre is, I feel this is a book everyone should read because it might just make us a better person. It will definitely make us want to be one. ( )

Sweet Summer Child,
You think you came here to read about Jav’s happily ever after? You think that after all you went through in [b:An Exaltation of Larks|29637128|An Exaltation of Larks (Venery, #1)|Suanne Laqueur|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1475940614s/29637128.jpg|49995616], you are entitled to a little bit of heaven? To a second book that will put its hands around you and keep away the freezing cold you’ve experienced over and over again while reading Larks?



If you really plan to read this book and experience it in a way that will change your life, get away from the reviews. Get away from the blurb and from the fan forums. Go into it blind and naked, and brace yourself for a soul purging ride.

Reading this book felt like going through the last three bardos from the Tibetan book of the Dead. The moment you choose to read it you unknowingly prepare for the moment of dissolution of who you were as a human being. The death of your old self is nigh and it lurks on the first page. You just don’t know it.
By the seventh chapter you are on fire, screaming, trying to get away, hyperventilating in a bag, outer breath and inner breath pulled out of you with a bloody huge astral pincer. I can’t remember ever reading anything that pulverized my boundaries the way Finches did.
I burned with rage and it went on, and on, and on until I plummeted down into the Fifth Circle of Hell, and Wrath and Fury were my sole companions. My thoughts toward rapists and pedophiles turned homicidal at one point. I’ve imagined them in prison with their genitals covered in cheese and honey in a room filled with wasps and rats while they were chained to a wall. And Baby by Justin Bieber played on repeat day and night..

There should be a warning at the beginning of this book. A little shield to take and keep with you. A tattoo with an incantation to help you find your way to the light.



But there is light.
This book is not about the darkness, but about finding the light. About finding the people that can help you heal when you are at rock bottom and you consider death the only savior.
I have huge respect for Suanne. She did not use abuse & rape for the wow factor. This book should be a manifesto of awareness: men are raped too, rape is not something that happens only to women. It doesn’t make them less of a man for going through such a horrible experience. They shouldn’t be stronger than women just because they are men. In the end we are souls with a body, not bodies with a soul, and at the root of our existence we are all the same. Just stardust floating on a rock in space.

You reach the Sidpa bardo near the end of the book, the sixth and last bardo, when the soul reaches transmigration and returns to another body for a new experience of life. I have been comparing the last chapters to reaching Nirvana. This is not Nirvana, but Rebirth. Life is different now, the world is different and I am different.

Giving a 5 star rating feels like an insult to the greatness of A Charm of Finches. There should be a rating of infinite stars, because at this point 5 stars feels like mediocrity.

Give this book the The Man Booker Prize asap.

You know what I had to do after finishing this book? I had to take a bloody shower to peel away the pieces of my old self and be able to sit down and write this review. ( )