The book made me re-think grudges I've had. And that's it's greatest services. Because grudges have a horrible reputation. Grudges are not all bad.

For example, Michael Jordan had a grudge against a high school basketball coach for cutting him from the varsity basketball team. Grudges can be a great motivator. It takes people with a tremendous grudges to push through years of court to win a trial or rebel against King George III ( and found the USA),

This how to book is written by a crime novelist. She is not a professional; she's a person with a lot of experience with grudges. Her advice comes across as amateurish ... and honest. On the grudge topic, she can be on the neurotic side (and I'm afraid she'll hold a grudge against me in this review). However, I do appreciate that she took a stab at a new topic (grudge) opening the door for more discussion.

The book does ride on Sophie's sense of humor and neurosis, which I can understand people being turned off on her style.

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Amusing. I'm not much of a grudge-holder (although I do have a few), but I have someone in mind who NEEDS to read this. It was cute and I found the writing style amusing. ( )

Hannah approaches the topic in a breezy, conversational and often laugh-out-loud style. She serves up a number of news-you-use-can-use strategies for “tackling negativism head-on” in a way that forms a “pessimism of strength.” Following the edict that vivid storytelling is the most effective journalism, the author presents a smorgasbord of relatable anecdotes and even helps readers to rank the intensity and types of grudges. She helps us with the task of “maintaining a balanced and enlightening grudge cabinet full of stories you’ve learned valuable lessons from.” It could be argued that the book borders on being self-centric in some spots. Nevertheless, it offers a valuable takeaway: By recognizing grudges and processing them, we can turn these otherwise negative experiences “into positive, enlightening insights.” I hope to see you on the Grudge-Fold Path... ( )

I think that this book contains some real wisdom, something more important for being unusual and often suppressed. "It's better to be realistic and find a way to cope with the negative stuff. Don't sugarcoat anything – recognize the problem and deal with it."

Consider Hannah's explanation of a grudge: "A grudge is a true story from your past, involving a negative, hurtful, or suboptimal experience that it feels important to remember now and into the future. A grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming, and bitter." Precisely!

So often, when I am urged to forgive so that I'm not "swallowing poison in hopes that someone else will die," I'm actually not angry, resentful, or brooding. I may not have even thought about it in years. I've decided what I am going to do to deal with the situation, and so it's resolved. It may be deciding that the other person isn't going to change, so I'm just going to avoid the points of conflict, if I think the relationship is worth it. In Hannah's case, she remained friends with, but no longer stayed with, a very inconsiderate host.

If I don't value the relationship, I may simply end it and treat the person civilly when we interact. This isn't good enough for two types of people, people who regard instant forgiveness and reconciliation as a religious duty (which is one reason I like being an atheist), and people think they are entitled to organize other people's lives and don't understand the phrase, "it is none of your business." A former friend, spent 5 or 6 years trying to get me to "forgive" her other friend, whom she admitted routinely behaved badly. ,She refused to understand that her hectoring on the subject was annoying and alienating to me. When she finally did recognize how I felt about her unsolicited harangues, she announced she is never going to speak to me again because I hold grudges.

Quoting Hannah again, "For many of us, being told to forgive and move on for our own sake, while still reeling from whatever it is that some rotter has done to us, feels like a new and separate insult." It is, at best, a failure to show us the compassion that they demand we show the offender. A friend of mine was quoting a book she'd read about the importance of compassion. That's only good if it extends to everyone, not if it's a form of taking sides.

Otherwise, as Hannah says, "When someone tells you, 'Move on, it's not worth holding a grudge' [. . .] what they're actually saying is 'The fact that you've been treated atrociously doesn't matter to me at all, and I'd like if you'd agree that it doesn't matter to you either, because then we can both stop thinking about your needs, rights, and feelings.'” I was once so upset that I was crying, which is unusual for me. My real friend simply stood with her arms around my shoulders. My insensitive "friend" announced that there are people in the world who are worse off than I am, and smiled smugly, having resolved my problems to her own satisfaction. She was really surprised when I asked her if she thought I was such a mean person that I rejoiced in the misfortunes of others. Perspective and a sense of proportion are wonderful things, but we have to come to these realizations ourselves. They certainly cannot be imposed by someone else, especially when we're distraught.

I would also take platitudes better if the people handing them out took their own advice, but everything is different when it's their problem. Many of the people who tell me not to complain, complain endlessly themselves. I think another way of reading the quote in the previous paragraph ("Move on, it's not worth holding a grudge") is that the person is saying enough about you, let's talk about me.

At first I thought that Hannah's idea of a grudge box was a silly idea, as likely to rekindle grudges as overcome them, it's better to let them die quietly. I am rethinking that. Perhaps being reminded of a grudge, I would decide that it's so in the past, the situation has changed, that I would reflect on the grudgee's good qualities and decided to reach out.

Food for thought here, and for people tired of being told to forgive, when that means, be a doormat, some comfort and support.

Added 9/25/2021 I was reading an article that said that saying, "don't take it personally" is a technique often used by gaslighters. It got me thinking. I mentioned a former friend several times in my original review, the one who decided that she is never talking to me. She had such a gift for saying things that were supposed to be soothing, or at least shut me down, that only made me angrier instead. The final argument was when I took exception to an email she had sent me giving a list of things that I was ordered to do to support a political position of hers; she never bothered to ask my opinion. She tried to fob me off by saying "don't take it personally," to which my response was, "you sent it to me personally." I have been thinking that a lot of the platitudes and advice people give us when we are upset, are rather like gaslighting. That is they tell us that our judgement is poor, that we have no right to our feelings, we're just being foolish. In other words, they diminish us, whether the person means to do that or not. That's supposed to make us feel better?? When someone does it a lot, I have to think that either they are trying to gaslight us, or else they are trying to build themselves up by tearing us down, ( )

Interesting book on the benefits of holding grudges. Written in a conversational style, this is the kind of topic discussed over several bottles of wine around a campfire with friends at the beach. A new idea is that grudges are beneficial if handled correctly, with analysis and inspection. Grudges can be kept in a "grudge cabinet" and pulled out to be re-inspected periodically, and good ones kept and bad ones discarded. The purpose of inspecting and analysing the grudge is to increase wisdom, justice and satisfaction. Grudges should not be kept to harm yourself or others. Revenge is never allowed, although revenge fantasies are acceptable. The author has developed the "Grudge Fold Path", where a processed grudge should alleviate suffering, and not increase it. By denying grudges, pain and injury result. By processing them, analysing them and putting them into a mental "Grudge Cabinet", they no longer do harm. Since humans are justice seeking animals, processing a grudge and storing it in the mental grudge cabinet removes the sting to some degree, but allows you to discharge some of the anger and rage.
In addition to the mental grudge cabinet for storing old grudges until you are ready to discharge them, a "Gratitude Grudge" cabinet can store processed and analysed "Happy Thing" done to you or to others, that you want to remember.
An interesting book and recommended for vacation reading, library collections, and how to improve yourself type of people. Something new to think about and to mull over. However, if you are not the sort of person who analyses their human conversations and reactions with others, it might not make as much sense. Also, if you keep murderous grudges or are an angry sort of person, this book is not really for you either. But if you keep grudges because of slights, insults, impositions and all the other things people keep grudges for, this is a good book. Recommended. ( )

I picked this book on a whim. I am so glad I did. Hannah makes some great arguments for the benefits of acknowledging that grudges are not always the wrong thing to have, it is how we handle them that matters. There is much we can learn from having them as often they serve to protect us. She also points out that we can be the subject of other people's grudges, something we should all keep in mind. There is a great deal to think about pertaining to grudges so I can see where referring back to this book will be something I do in the future. Thank you Sophie Hannah for writing a great book about a topic that we all can learn from. ( )

I found this book to be a lovely real world view of how real people react to crazy and hurtful situations. It was great to know that I'm not the only one that harbors Secret resentments. The real life situations are easy to put yourself in and relate to. ( )