i wasn't really ready to hear what this book was saying at the beginning. i mean, i thought it was interesting and well thought out but not for me personally. by the end she had me.

this book is so very important and i know i will be rereading again and again until this is ingrained in me. ( )

Normal conflict is healthy and helps us solve problems. But high conflict, the kind that makes us outraged and determined to destroy the idiots who disagree, serves only to perpetuate itself. It seduces us, draws other people in, escalates, and spreads like wildfire.

The author identifies "accelerants" of high conflict such as:
- Binary thinking (it's us versus them)
- Our tendency to label and categorize others
- "Firestarters" who have a vested interest in sustaining the conflict
- Negative emotions such as humiliation and anger, which have an addictive hold on us
- The "conflict industrial complex" that includes news media, social media, and USA's winner-take-all electoral system

Here are ways to tame high conflict:
- Active listening
- Separating oneself from firestarters
- Embracing complication and nuance
- Seeking the root cause of a conflict

Ironically, the best way to win people over may be listening to them without trying to win them over.

To explore these concepts, the author interviews some interesting people such as an environmentalist who railed against genetically modified organisms even after learning that they could have some environmental benefits, a lawyer who was a legendary peacemaker but became a vicious attack dog when he entered local politics, and a former member of a Chicago street gang who is now a peace activist and "violence interrupter."

She also studies an attempt to actively apply these concepts to bring two sides of an issue together. A group of conservative Michiganders and a group of liberal New York Jews held summits in each other's cities to discuss gun control. They struggled to put side their judgment and anxieties, but ended up feeling emotionally closer and less judgmental afterward. Later, when the 2018 Pittsburgh synagogue shooting took the lives of 11 Jews, the Michiganders flew to New York and gave a speech of solidarity in front of their counterparts' congregation.

Something bothers me about that scenario. Even after all that, the minds of the Michiganders weren't changed; they were still against the regulation of assault rifles. I'd like to ask the liberals: what is the benefit of having a kumbaya moment with conservatives when they still support the policies that lead to your annihilation? But maybe I'm still stuck in the high-conflict mindset just by posing that question.

I'm trying to integrate the lessons of this book with the lessons of stoicism I gained from Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. Our lives are short and insignificant in the totality of human history. We will die and be forgotten. So while we are alive, why should we think that we must solve all the world's problems? Why carry all that burden and misery on our own shoulders? Instead, maybe we should humbly strive to improve things on a small scale, listening to our rivals with curiosity and helping the few we can. ( )

Absolutely stunning. If you are living through these times, this book will explain what’s going on, how we got here and how, perhaps, we can get back. ( )