Gordon Neufeld

It's taken me over 8 months to finish this book, as I decided about a third of the way through I hated it but stubbornness kept me committed to finishing it.

I bought this book originally as it's a joint effort between Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté and I'd enjoyed a previous book of Maté's, although with a dollop of scepticism. The bit of the blurb that caught my eye was reattaching to your kids, and at the time that I bought this my (then) 13 year old was proving harder to communicate with and I was keen to recapture our bond.

The first few chapters had me nodding my head in some agreement, particularly in relation to immaturity and a tendency for some adolescents to need to fit in with their peers. So far our set of circumstances at home. But then Neufeld and Maté completely lost me. The book became full of sweeping statements and generalisations which I felt are totally unfair on the majority of our young people. It seemed totally lost on these two 'experts' that lots of kids want to fit in during their teens and that friends are an important part of your rite of passage through adolescence. In their eyes, spending time with peers means peer attachment issues and a slippery slope to bullying, aggression and goodness knows what else. There was no middle ground of teenagers figuring out who they are and coming out the other side OK - it was either devils or angels.

I do get and agree with the main point of the book, which is that it's important for children and young people to develop and keep a firm attachment with a parent/s or guardians / trusted adult, but for scientists to have written this book there seemed to be so much that was subjective and based on opinions rather than firm data.

And it went on and on and on about the same basic point, page after page in small print. Talk about repetitive and filler content.

So I'm delighted to at last to be done with this book that is a horrible read on several levels.

1.5 stars - I'm done now with both of them.… (mehr)

This has so much good to say about how we can save the next generation from becoming bullies/bullied, from suicide, and, with a few exceptions, mental illness. It possibly illustrates a lot of the issues that the millennials and GenZ emerging adults also struggle with.

However (there always is one), I removed one star for

-lacking some citations(supporting citations can be found in the books below though)
-and his omitting or failing to acknowledge what can happen when children become too attached to the wrong adults and how parents can look for warning signs regarding trafficking and abuse. Yes, it wasn't his focus, but I feel like it merited an aside or footnote.

Interestingly enough, this book debunked a few false notions I picked up during my adolescence. I always used to watch interviews of kids born in the 30's-50's and hear them say things like "our parents never yelled or punished" or "I never remember my dad having to spank us" etc, etc. And I would roll my eyes and think "yeah right." Well, Neufeld explains quite clearly how that may be true. May being the operative word here. And now I will stop rolling my eyes.

To be read with [b:12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos|30257963|12 Rules for Life An Antidote to Chaos|Jordan B. Peterson|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1512705866l/30257963._SY75_.jpg|50729930], [b:Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love|547830|Becoming Attached First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love|Robert Karen|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1355921449l/547830._SY75_.jpg|535088], and [b:Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions|34921573|Lost Connections Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions|Johann Hari|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1500785858l/34921573._SY75_.jpg|56184854].… (mehr)

I am surprised at how highly this book is rated. I understand that it gives a somewhat alternative view to parenting to most mainstream "systems" and there are some interesting insights to be had. The problem is the authors make the same point repeatedly. By repeatedly I mean over and over and over and over and over again. I do not understand how an editor could have missed how dull and unnecessarily long this tome was unless they are getting paid by the page.

Let me save you the trouble of reading it in about 3 lines. 98 per cent of problems stem from your kids need to attach to somebody. If you do not nurture that attachment to yourselves as parents they will attach to their peers and that is bad as they will not learn what they really need to learn when they need to learn it. That's it basically.

Even if you accept the premise one could have hoped for some practical advice on how to strengthen or foster attachments but the advice is nebulous at best.

Finally, there really is no objective evidence to back up the suppositions. As noted by other reviewers, it seems like just the writer's opinions based on clinical observation. In the year 2018 we all know how biased and off base our opinions can be so I am surprised the authors did not seek to confirm more of their opinions in scientific study of their hypothesis.… (mehr)