review of
Ron Goulart's Clockwork's Pirates / Ghost Breaker
by tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE - September 22, 2016

READ THE FULL REVIEW HERE: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/489526-goulart

This being an Ace Double, these are the 38th & 39th bks I've read by Goulart so there must be something I like about his writing very much. W/ that in mind, I'm going to hereby make the bold move of giving this double bk a 5 star rating wch puts it in the company of Finnegans Wake. THAT is absolutely absurd but, then, so is Goulart's writing & I like absurdity. Goulart has an imagination & keeps pumping vivid characters into his plots. Take the idea of a "composite agent":

"The agent's voice shifted to a deeper tone. "Let me do the talking," he said in a new voice. "Fatso won't ever come to the point."

""Hello Mort," said Sand, "How are you?"

""How would you be if you were part of a fat nitwit?"

"Sand's left eye seemed always about to wink. He looked at the Political Espionage agent for awhile, then up at the noon sun. "Well, if it was either that or being dead, I'd pick that."

""You never saw me before the accident," said the agent in his Mort voice, "I was a tall good-looking young guy.""

[..]

""Okay, admittedly there wasn't much left of either of us after that cruiser explosion three years ago," said Ralph. "Not enough for two complete PEO agents anymore. But more than enough for one good agent." His voice turned to Mort's. "Enough for half a good agent and half a dumpy nitwit."" - p 6

I'm reminded of Mark Twain's great story about conjoined twins who hate each other, "The Comedy Those Extraordinary Twins" (1894). Goulart's quirky & often borderline dysfunctional characters in general remind me of Jonathan Lethem's detective w/ Tourette's Syndrome, Lionel Essrog, as he appears in Motherless Brooklyn (1999). Clockwork's Pirates being from 1971. The following excerpt not only gives another example of Goulart's imaginative characters & shows foreshadowing but also ends w/ a typical Goulart humorous twist:

""Yes, Leodoro. It's some kind of strange city, no one is quite sure where. They say the inhabitants are animal men. We do have some of those here and there elsewhere." He sighed. "This is really no planet to try and bring up a daughter."" - p 11

Just as Lethem's Essrog has difficulty controlling his utterances so does Priceless over-rely on his "now-now" speech crutch & act uncontrollably clumsy:

"["]I can't, now-now, do everything perfectly, even though my mother had such great expectations, now-now, and named me Priceless. A burden rather than an inspiration my name has been." He clutched the reports together and dropped them on the marble table-top, then stumbled out through the draperies.

"After he was definitely gone, Sand said, "He's not a spy? For you or somebody?"

"Governor Peaquill smiled, chuckled. "Priceless? He's much too clumsy to work at intrigue."" - p 14

There's almost no let-up in Goulart's motley crew of fantastic beings:

"They came single file down the dawn sand, the one with the scythe in the lead. Sand knew they were dead even fifty yards away from them. They walked with a sad slowness and there was a cold blank look to their pale faces.

"The man with the scythe reached for him and bent, grabbed at the wet collar of Sand's tunic and pulled hard. Sand came to his feet, free of the sea and he and the dead man danced unavoidably in the chill fog until Sand got his balance. "Thanks," he said.

"The dead man touched the brim of his hat with a stiff white hand. Then he pointed to the forest above the beach. He made a writhing shrug." - p 15

""How come all the fellows working here are dead?"

""It's an economy measure. No wages this way," explained Dehner. "Old Espada is something of a wizard, besides being something of what might be called an agricultural robber baron."" - p 18

Everything in Goulart's writing is exaggerated for comedic effect:

""He ought not to wear out a floor for which you have such a sentimental attachment, grandfather," spoke the other large grandchild. "Let us rain a shower of harsh blows upon him by way of a lesson."

""Oh, my," sighed Dehner. They've picked up their vocabulary, and their notions of justice, from one of my Evil-Eye Jack novels I'm afraid."" - p 19

"The barbarian grunted up, dusting his shaggy garment with broad hands. "Does this fur look convincing?"

""No."

""I feared as much," shouted Jackdaw, retrieving his sword. "Two years ago I took, after being goaded by my wife, a vow to slay no more fur-bearing animals. When my old skins wore out she fashioned me this out of roots and fragments of cloth, shaped it and dyed it to resemble a bear skin. I fear, by Soglow, it has somewhat of a fraudulent appearance."" - pp 32-33

""It's not all joy for a gourmet such as myself to marry a poisoner, my friends. Once she only used her gifts to help us in our trade of waylaying travelers, but now she can't help herself and poisons with abandon.["]" - p 34

So much for the innkeeper's problem - but what about the talking ape's?:

""That I am, sir" replied the mansized ape. "My name is Hankwin and I suppose I may well strike you as something of an oddity. I wager you've met few articulate apes in your time, gentlemen. We're a rare, more's the pity, and fading breed. Breeding now only in one or two remote spots out beyond . . ."

""The Edgewise Plains," put in Dehner, who'd got his wind back enough to speak. "I wrote a book about your area once."

""No doubt sensationalized, sir," said the ape, coming bowleggedly toward them. "Most of what has been written about my people has tended to be on the sensational side. What was your book entitled, if I may ask?"

""Oh, my," said Dehner. "It was called Fur-Suited Dan in the Valley of the Killer Apes."

""Just so," said the ape man. "I haven't read that particular book, but I hazard to guess it was in the sensational category.["]" - pp 39-40

"["]It's my opinion that Lemkerr is in need of wise counsel."

""I understand he's appearing in a hood," said Dehner.

""Yes," said Lorenzo. "But he insists on billing himself as The Masked Socialist. Every time he bests an opponent in wrestling or boxing—and if you know Lemkerr you'll realize that is often—he insists on delivering a speech on the virtues of some outlandish creed known as socialism." He frowned at Sand. "Perhaps you've heard of it, coming from a distant planet as you look to have, friend."" - p 62

Goulart's inspiration is unstoppable. I tried to stop it, really I did, officer. I saw Goulart's inspiration crossing the street & I floored it but I hit everything but Goulart's inspiration. I admit I was a little drunk but that's what gave me the courage to try to stop the unstoppable & that's why I couldn't stopper the bottle.. or was it the hollow plastic Jesus?

"He noticed now dozens of hard-back insects inching out along the dark oak branches. "What are they?"

""Their bite is not fatal but it causes hallucinations and delusions," explained Dehner as he helped light the torches. "Fire and smoke usually keep them off."

"Sand caught up a torch. When he swung his hand up toward the black branches he felt a slight twinge in the soft flesh between his thumb and his forefinger. He looked at the spot and saw nothing. "How long do teh effects last if you get stung?"

""Forever," said Dehner. "Forever."

""I can't," began Sand. When he turned to Dehner he saw the author had fallen to the ground and died. The clothes were already rotted to tatters and the last shreds unraveling away into the hot sooty wind blowing across the clearing." - p 68

I'm sorry, officer, I didn't see Mr. Dehner, the author of Fur-Suited Dan in the Valley of the Killer Apes, until it was too late. I just thought he was a squirrel. It's all the Lion Man's fault.

""You're both of you fabricators," said Lido, clutching off his green cloak. "I'll be your dupe and gull no longer."

""You're the one who's a diddler," returned Yuba. "Don't try to claptrap and moonshine me." He thwacked the angry Lido on the snout with the grout shoe." - p 84

Flipping the bk over takes me to Ghost Breaker, as far as I can recall, the only collection of short stories by Goulart that I've read. The stories date from 1961 to 1969. These aren't his earliest stories but they're still representative of an early style. According to Wikipedia: "Goulart's first professional publication was a 1952 reprint of the SF story "Letters to the Editor" in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction: this parody of a pulp magazine letters column was originally published in the University of California, Berkeley's Pelican. His early career in advertising and marketing influenced much of his work." ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Goulart ) Indeed. The opening bio of his character here, Max Kearny, says:

"Living in San Francisco, and an advertising man by profession, Max has been an amateur ghost breaker for nearly a decade now." - p 2

Goulart's bio, introducing Clockwork's Pirates, states:

"After graduating from college in 1955 I spent the next few years in the advertising business; my specialty was what was then called offbeat copy. I had a crewcut and wore a gray flannel Brooks Brothers suit. This was in San Francisco, and later in Los Angeles." - p 2

The writing style is considerably less bombastic than what I've become accustomed to w/ Goulart's novels & I enjoyed this relative restraint b/c it serves as an indicator of how his style developed. The 1st story, "Please Stand By" (1961), starts off w/:

"The Art Department secretary put her Christmas tree down and kissed Max Kearny. "There's somebody to see you," she said, getting her coat the rest of the way on and picking up the tree again.

"Max shifted on his stool. "On the last working day before Christmas?"

""Pile those packages in my arms," the secretary said. "He says it's an emergency."

"Moving away from his drawing board Max arranged the gift packages in the girl's arms. "Who is it? A rep?"" - p 7

That starts off conventionally enuf, there's really not much of anything there to show that this is GOULART writing. Ah.. but by page 8 it's GOULART alright:

""I change into an elephant on all national holidays."

"Max leaned forward and squinted one eye at Dan. "An elephant?"

""Middle-sized gray elephant.""

That's the sort of problem that very few writers other than Goulart wd dream up. While Max's procedures not of the more rough-&-tumble detective-like nature, this 1st story did surprise me a little w/ this:

"There was no lead on Anne's whereabouts at her apartment, which Max broke into. Or at Westerland's, where he came in through the skylight." - p 20

This oddly coincided w/ my reading about Kevin Poulson, a hacker of some renown who was also an accomplished burglar who was primarily in pursuit of knowledge, especially knowledge of his local phone company's operating intricacies.

Given that I'm avoiding spoilers here & am, instead, just showing a few tantalizing details here & there, you'll have to find out more about this elephant angle by reading the story. The next story, "Uncle Arly", begins thusly:

"Tim Barnum shoved the rabbit ears all the way down into the portable TV set and pulled the plug out of its socket. It had no effect on the reception. "See," he said to Max Kearny. Tim lidted the still playing set off its low black table and carried it across his apartment. Dropping it down at Max's feet he said, "Doees it look like something in your line?"

"Lighting a fresh cigarette Max looked down at the bright screen. "It sure isn't something for a repairman."

""But is it occult, Max?" Tim reached out and found his glass." - p 31

One philosophy of short story writing might be that the stories shd begin w/ a 'grabber', an idea that immediately fascinates one's attn, that arouses one's desire to see how it plays out. Goulart's an expert at this. A guy who turns into an elephant on national holidays - WHA? A TV that continues to broadcast even after it's unplugged - WHA? In this case, the broadcast on the TV switches to coming from a billboard:

""The billboard across from my bus stop is haunted. It used to tell you to eat Kellogg's Rice Krispies. But this morning while I was standing there alone, waiting for the 45 bus, it blurred over. It showed a picture—pardon me, Barnum—of Jeanne Horning. The slogan read: 'Don't be a fool, Yewell. Do it now!' "" - p 39

Max concludes that ""That's real saturation["]" (p 39), ghostly advertising saturation, ie. Advertising plays blatantly into the next story, "Help Stamp Out Chesney", too:

"Max's ad agency was tentatively interested in the new TV show and it was penciled in on one of the networks for the next season. Although he had come down from San Francisco in his advertising capacity Max was starting to think that his hobby, occult detection, might come in handy." - p 42

Again, the story starts w/ a real 'grabber':

""And what is the trouble exactly, Miss Clerihew?" he was asking the girl.

""You'll think me a goose," she said, but there were certain irregularities at our last fox hunt."

""Can you be more specific?"

""Yes, I—"

""Jesus Christ!" said the inspector. His false moustache had somehow come off his face and it was now flying around the office and singing like a canary. It flew out the window and grew silent." - pp 42-43

Why don't things like this happen at my own shoots? I'd certainly change the plot of the movie to accommodate it. On to "McNamara's Fish":

""I thought Ken had somebody to finance the boat."

""Boat?"

""You wrote he was going to prove Heyerdahl wrong and do something in the Pacific with a raft."

""Oh, yes. No, Ken decided not to. All the bomb tests out there and all.["]" - p 56

It's interesting the way Goulart squeezes in a reference to Kon Tiki & the atomic bomb tests in the Pacific w/o having them be slightly relevant to the story - esp given that Heyerdahl's expedition was in 1947 when the US had certainly made the Pacific radioactive as hell already. But that's not the 'grabber', this is:

""And the trouble?"

""He's having an affair with a mermaid."" - p 57

I've always been interested in the category of "breakaway" objects - things designed as props intended to look solid but easily breakable - generally so that they can be used in fight scenes w/o hurting the stunt performers - such as in bar-room brawl scenes where actors are shown hitting each other w/ chairs & bottles:

"Directly behind this building was one that resembled an airplane hanger. Piled in front of it was a tangled assortment of chairs. Max picked three that seemed still in fair shape, hoping they weren't some of McNamara's breakaway furniture. In among the nest of Georgian dining room chairs Max found some spare table boards.

"Back under the arched window he put a board between two chairs and put the third chair on top of the board. He climbed up on the whole thing." - p 62

Goulart even has a "Breakaway House" later on:

""Pete," said Gretchen. "There is something wrong with this house. Why don't you admit it?"

""All new houses have a few kinks in them."

""We've been here two weeks. And we've had seagulls in the sink and a bobcat in the shower stall and white mice in the conversation pit and whatever those black furry things were under the bed that night," said Gretchen. "Not to mention the windows that stick and the doors that don't open and the legs that fall off the sofas and the canisters and apothecary jars that jump off the shelves, Pete."

""It's better than the apartment we had in San Francisco, isn't it?"

""No," said his wife. I think it's haunted."" - p 87

Is the mermaid actually having an affair w/ a shape-shifting breakaway sofa leg? I'm not tellin'. In "Kearney's Last Case" Goulart manages to tie in the occult w/ labor issues?:

""Black magic, Max. Really. Invisibility. Not to mention the lousy wage structure and lack of fringe benefits.""

[..]

""That's a picturesque church over there," said Terrace. "I'd like to get married in it, so would Ann. Still, you can't walk down the aisle with an invisible girl. And people'd balk at catching a bouquet tossed out of nowhere."" - p 73

"In the North Beach antique store a basilisk tried to stop him but Max always carried a charm against them on his key ring." - p 81

"In European bestiaries and legends, a basilisk (/ˈbæsɪlɪsk/ or /ˈbæzɪlɪsk/, from the Greek βασιλίσκος basilískos, "little king;" Latin regulus) is a legendary reptile reputed to be king of serpents and said to have the power to cause death with a single glance." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basilisk

How times have changed! In 1965 when this story was written, people carried anti-basilisk charms on their key-chains; now, a mere 51 yrs later, a card for getting discounts from a chain store or mace might be more common. I don't have a single friend that I know of who carries an anti-basilisk charm. All the old-world values are gone.

Where was I? "Breakaway House" , wch I so rudely interjected in the midst of discussion of an different story earlier, involves a gnome named Blum: "Blum hunched his shoulders. "I spent a half a century under Pittsburgh once. I hope they don't send me back there."" (p 96) That was 50 yrs ago, Pittsburgh is much nicer now, really.

Despite his "Masked Socialist" & various other political details I wdn't call Goulart a political writer. He mostly uses such thing as more fuel for the general mayhem:

""We get used to such uninformed questions. It's because of the news blackout the so-called lords of the press have imposed on the Freeload Prevention Society. Too, too few know about the captain and our crusade."" - p 98

How many detective stories have the action interrupted by a mom-call?

"A white phone on a white table rang. "Just a second. Hello. Hal Levin here. Mom, I can't talk to you much now. Yes, they were picketing me today. They don't hurt me any, Mom. When? Friday, Mom, we can't. April and I will probably have company.["]" - p 100

In the same story, "The Ghost Patrol" (1968), there's an interesting idea about muscles:

""Words," said Jorge Barafunda. "Words are a lousy way to think. These college people, they think in words. You take a look at my book The Vocabulary of Muscles, and it's all explained in there."

""I skimmed it in the library this morning," Max told him. "It was full of words."

""They're not ready yet to publish a book that's all pictures of muscles," said Jorge. "Uhn."" - p 106

We move on from there to a patriotic housing development. This later story is more the Goulart I know from the novels:

"Ahead of them on the road was a replica of Mt. Rushmore. "This the entrance to Yankee Doodle Acres?"

""Yeah. Drive in right next to Teddy Roosevelt's mouth."" - p 109

The latest of the stories, "The Strawhouse Pavilion" (1969), continues this writerly transition in to the novelistic style that may've started around the same time w/ The Sword Swallower (1968).

"["]I am Dr. E. Philips Wally, founder of the Psycho/Technocratics Foundation and pioneer in appliance therapy."" - p 119

YOU'LL HAVE TO READ THE FULL REVIEW HERE: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/489526-goulart ( )